Things I like about St. Patrick:
He chased the snakes out of Ireland...supposedly.
I'm no herpetologist but I'm sure if you stopped the average snake on the street and asked them if they would rather be roped around a Monsoon-sodden bough in the Amazon or being chased off a freezing stoop by a Kerrywoman's broom, they'd probably opt for the former. Thus St. Patrick's claim to have chased the nonexistent reptilian pestilence out of the Emerald Isle stands as one of the most monumental pieces of bullshittery in Irish history. And if you have even a passing acquaintance with that Hibernian brood, you'll know that takes some doing.
He's the Patron Saint of Ireland...
...and he's not even Irish. Therefore, upon arrival, he instantly qualified as the saintliest bloke in the land. It's hard to imagine that the competition was all that stiff. This from the Daily Pagan, circa 431 AD:
"Controversy today with the preemptive canonization of St (pending) Patrick, much to the dismay of Ireland's previous saintliest person, Connor O'Connor of Co. Limerick. Mr. O'Connor, who gained his title for waiting a full five minutes before kicking a new-born puppy across the street, had only this to say: 'Bollocks.'"
He's also the Patron Saint of Nigeria.
One can only hope that every March 17th the streets of Abuja are awash with green beer and locals wearing "Kiss Me, I'm African" T-shirts. I'm also curious as to which bestial plague he freed the country from. Penguins, presumably.
Things I don't like about St. Patrick
He illustrated the concept of a tripartite divinity with a Shamrock.
This does not seem like a particularly miraculous task, as the thing is already divided into three. If he'd used something with less equivalent partitions, I may have been more impressed. For instance, if he had illustrated the Holy Trinity by way of an octopus, or a spider, or a copy of The Racing Post, I may have golf-clapped more enthusiastically.
It's St. Paddy's day.
Or just Paddy's Day. Not St. Pat's. Definitely not St. Patty's. Americans have been successfully softening their double t's into d's for over two hundred years- they do baddle over caddle in Seaddle- but given the prospect of St. Patrick's nickname they suddenly do due diligence to the annunciation of the consonant. St. Patty sounds like the patron saint of burger meat. Paddy's Day is proper as it invokes both the ethnic slur and the Saint's rightful distinction as inventor of the rice field (True).
