Greetings, fans, and welcome from the pits of our truly proud, well-meaning hearts to Tabloia Weekly Magazine's first ever web-comic!
Those of you familiar with our award-winning, high quality, respected and fictional "tabloid non-fiction comics" may wonder why we've finally made the leap into early 1990's technology and chosen to switch to this newer, hipper, computer-savvy "web" format, which many might consider "cheap, shoddy, worthless schlock"!
The answer is simple! First of all, EVERYTHING WE PUBLISH IS WORTHLESS SHLOCK! We fit right in!
Second, we prefer to think of our yarn as a 1930's black and white daily newspaper format, but in WEEKLY (or so) installments!
Third and most importantly, this project will see significantly higher profits than we've ever seen with any one of our issues, COMBINED! But don't worry, because these peeks at DICK HAMMER: THE DAILIES, is ABSOLUTELY FREE TO YOU!! So HOW will we be able to see such RECORD-BREAKING PROFITS, with a COMPLETELY FREE, WORTHLESS, SCHLOCKY WEB COMIC???!
Simple...If we stop publishing books, and simply MAKE NO MONEY AT ALL, we'll be better off by about FIFTY BUCKS PER PAGE than we've made, EVERY COMIC WE'VE PUBLISHED! AND WE'VE PUBLISHED THOUSANDS OF PAGES OF COMICS! So giving it away free is simply just GOOD BUSINESS SENSE, FOR A CHANGE!
If you've read Tabloia Weekly Magazine (and based on our sales numbers, we're guessing you haven't!) then you're familiar with Dick Hammer and his adventures! If you're astute, you may notice that we don't call him by his previous, "first appearances" moniker: "Dick Hammer: Conservative Republican Private Investigator!" Don't worry, astute fans! He's still the same Dick Hammer you know and love! But this adventure focuses less on his politics, and more on BRUTAL ACTION! HARD-BOILED SUSPENSE! LURID ROMANCE! UNLIKELY COINCIDENCE! CRIME AND MURDER! AMNESIA! and MYSTERY! Hope you enjoy!
Count on us to post a brand new strip, once ever week (or so)! That means you can check in every few months, WITH CONFIDENCE, to find the intolerably slow plot progressing almost noticeably! It will seem so slow, in fact, that after a year or so, you might decide to check in once a year instead, or STOP CHECKING IN ALL TOGETHER! At that rate, the story should conclude in roughly the same length of time it's taking for all the State quarters to come out! Enjoy!
As an extra special treat, and since it's taken from his own personal case files, we convinced Dick himself (with a monetary incentive) to write an introduction to this yarn! Read on!
--Rob Oder, Editor in Chief
Salt Peter Press!
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EXTRA SPECIAL BONUS FEATURE! INTRODUCTION BY DICK HAMMER
Hope you enjoy reading this,
January 1st, 2007
Crude Bay, Southern California
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DIRE NOTE OF WARNING! PLEASE READ BEFORE CONTINUING FORWARD!
Delicate or discerning readers, or readers expecting a cultured work of literature herein, should be carefully advised! This story, in the popular and too-often-requested black-and-white newspaper-strip format, contains Mystery! Murder! Arson! Action! An attempted murder that leaves a man in a wheelchair! Suspense! Not one but TWO cases of amnesia! Mistaken identities! Love gone sour...DEADLY SOUR!
AND THAT'S NOT ALL!
Also expect to see base humour, such as farting jokes! A man scratching his crotch! Other lewd gestures with the hands to denote profanities or sexual obscenities! Actual profanities such as the "s" word! The "f" word! The "a" word (with and without the descriptor "hole")! The "c" word ("crap")! Creative or not so creative uses of such words! Disturbing acts of violence! Graphic and romanticized portrayals of road rage! Homages to Chester Gould and Mickey Spillane, and other great works of pulp literature and film noir! Explicit and repeated references to "the peeing muscle!"
THIS is the daily life of...DICK HAMMER: PRIVATE INVESTIGATOR, and it may therefore not be suitable for mature, sophisticated adults, except those of the pseudo-intellectual variety!
Still with us? Then here we go! This week's exciting episode begins..."Darling Murder!"