It was my intention to review Cosmopolitan this week, but every place I went was sold out. So I decided to review Cosmopolitan based on their website... unfortunately, the webcontent at www.cosmopolitan.com is just a subscription page, so, I went to www.cosmopolitan.co.uk
Here at the Cosmopolitan website I am informed that in this issue "For Fun Fearless Females" I can learn how to look sexy after work in 5 minutes, read about "Seduction Success! 100 tried and tested tactics from women who know" (that would be hookers), or win my "Ultimate Fearless Fantasy." I may also, if I choose, read a letter from the editor or check out "Cosmostrology" which is not a word... or I can enlarge the cover.
Presented with this bevy of options, I decide to enlarge the cover as a normal consumer might view it and I find that whoever is on the cover is probably not healthy, wears too much makeup for my taste, and doesn't have the cleavage to properly wear a dress cut that low in the front. Wondering who this picayune painted jezebel is, I squint to the bottom right corner of the picture and find that it is Kate Bosworth ready to talk about why Orlando Bloom makes her glow which is apparently considered a secret of celebrity love.
Dragging my eyes back to the top left of the cover, I take care not to look directly at Kate's ribs, I see that this month I can learn "Sex Tricks You've Never Been Treated To." Nevermind that they ended the sentence with a preposition (strike one to the editor whose letter I have yet to read) but presumably this is to lure the buyer through the word "sex" because we know what that is while "tricks" could really be anything. "Honey, how come we never play Three-Wang-Monty?" These tricks of sex are not actually on the webcontent, so they won't get reviewed here.
Other articles this month are "I was sexually Assulted on a Busy Train and Nobody Helped Me," "Five Ways to Beat the Festive 5 lb. Pile On," and "673 Pretty-Damn-Glam party looks, from budget to blowout."
Armed with the contents of this month's issue, I may now take an active role in the reading process as I delve into what I hope fervently is not a fetid pile of garbage... hold just one moment as I prepare to delve... and fail. There is no content here either. Although Sam, the editor of Cosmo UK, has seen Alfie and doesn't like New Years because of the pressure to have a good time. Can't say as I agree, but that's a matter of taste... though Sam appears to be in good health, dressed well, and fairly attractive.
So, it looks like this month's Cosmopolitan is...
* Orlando Bloom is dating this emaciated chick.
* Things you're missing out on in bed.
* Trade secrets on seduction.
* You're ugly, but you can fake pretty in 5.
* You're particularly fat this season.
* Herbal Essences is hosting a contest... at least, in the UK.
* Apparently there are at least 673 different party looks.
Some people will pay 3 dollars for this... I urge them not to.
I'm Ian K. so you don't have to be.
Copyright Ian K. 2004
*ported from our old site