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Tuesdays & Thursdays

Cosmopolitan Website - 10/05

After a hiaitus which I can only describe as distressing and stunning, we are back, like the Scorpions... hello, Los Angeleez.

I put out the call for suggestions, but recieved only mewling requests to review Hawaiian Bride & Groom, Today's Christian Woman, & Hype Hair. That isn't to say that I wasn't tempted, Today's Christian Woman being so captivating anyway, but I decided that the re-launch of Cosmetropolitan should probably have a more punchy review than... well... than those.

And so it is that I find myself back at the Cosmopolitan website for the first time in like 6 months staring at a Cameron Diaz who has still never looked as good as she did in I would like not to have obnoxious things to say right off the bat because I don't want to come off like someone who feels compelled to mock everything but rather the things which are clearly worth mocking... I would like that very much. The tragedy, then is that I see the following in big bold letters...

Find Your Sexiest Scent

I'm aware that they're talking about perfume and not pheremones as far as they know. But let me point out that they are talking about a pheremone substitute (also known as biochemical fuckstink) and that no guy I've known has ever told me what great perfume his lady was wearing the other night. I'm not saying I find perfume morally reprehensible, but be aware, ladies, that you're probably the only one who cares.

There's also something here about getting gorgeous eyes which is probably fairly straightforward but I keep thinking about Pitch Black.

And that's just the online content! We are so lucky this monthweek!

This month's Cosmo boasts 101 sex tips, 8 Sex Truths, and -- wait, okay, I think I know how I'm going to handle this. Lemme answer some stuff for serious y con brevity, but first let's finish what this month boasts...

101 sex tips, 8 sex truths, something about sexy hair, an interview with Cameron Diaz (she dares to answer your personal questions, for serious, guys), the ego strokes that keep a guy faithful, how to deal with a bitch, and something about a gyno warning.

101 sex tips and 8 sex truths... no page count. Last month had 50 ways to be a better girlfriend, by the way. But, seriously... you can't possibly have the time/money for all those. If you really care, get the Kama Sutra.

Ego "this is not a pun" strokes to keep him coming "this is a pun" back - Just talk about how enormous his wang is... shit like that. Duh

I don't know about the particular hair styles of this season, but I know that I (like most of my gender) don't care. Seriously. Sexy hairstyle? Cleaned and combed... enough for us to grab? Most guys will probably have a more concrete opinion of your pubic hairstyle, to be completely honest.

How to deal with a bitch - Punch her in the throat. I swear, this works.

Aaaaaaaand... that'll do it for October Cosmo.

If everyone would please write to Kate White Cosmo's editor, and ask her what her why the fuck there's nothing about Halloween in their October issue but there's plenty of fuckstink?

'til next time, I'm Ian K. so you don't have to be.

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Ian K. ||    External Homepage ·  Blog · 

Born in Manhattan, Ian K. is older than MTV but younger than Etch-A-Sketch?, making him contemporary with Lite-Brite?. Like his contemporary, Ian exists to entertain others; a skill he has been honing for 2 decades. ... full profile