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10/05 Review of 'Today's Christian Woman' by Morris the Cat

First off, in compliance with fairness in advertising laws I need to remind you that cats are not Christian. We are in fact semi-divine children of Mother Bast. We tend to treat other religions like we do captive spiders, batting them back and forth for fun. With that out of the way here's what I thought of Today's Christian Woman. According to the ad hype, Today's Christian Woman is "positive, practical and uplifting". Already I can tell that they don't have a clue about women's magazines. How are you supposed to sell stuff by making people feel good about themselves? You can't even run an advice column then. What would all of the positive, practical and uplifted people need advice on? You've already made their life good. Sure enough, that seems to be the theme of this magazine, that and some guy in a white robe with a long beard who lives in the sky. Do you people really believe this stuff?

The first article on the website is the pseudo-clerverly titled travel article "Go Girl". Despite the stories of bible smuggling, shark feeding and God saving the author from being lost at sea I think she sums up the whole point right near the beginning:"

Travel is about being carried out of yourself and deposited in the midst of terror and wonder." Now, having some experience with travel, terror and wonder lately I have to say that if that's what travel's about I'll just stay home. What is "being carried out of yourself" anway? Is that some stupid metaphor or do humans actually try to develop a split personality on vacation? Travel is about being carried away from you home, not yourself and, speaking only for the people I know, never (deliberately) being deposited in the midst of terror. I can just picture this crazy woman going into her travel agent and asking to go on the mini-skirt hiking tour of Beruit. The article just gets crazier from there, but if you're planning a trip there's some nice self-helpy advice on how to make it a reality. I thought self help programs were the work of the devil? Appearantly not here at Today's Christian Woman. Next up is the review of "One Teusday Morning", a book by "The Queen of Inspirational Romance" who writes Life-Changing Fiction (tm). I swear I'm not making any of that up. Its all right there in her profile. Do I really need to say anything more about The Book, or The Author, or The Overuse of Proper Nouns (tm)? I thought not. There's also a disaster survivors section which drips with more sap than a wounded maple tree. Seriously, every month God saves someone from a disaster and they write an article about it. I notice that the people who die in these disasters don't get an article. Maybe that's saved for the Halloween issue.

Then we have Mimi Greenwood Knight who manages to fill the space that they obviously overpay her for in the Family section with her 40th birthday wish. Specifically she wants to be left alone in the bathroom for four hours without any interruption by her kids. Talk about exciting. This gal really knows how to live! I wonder if she's ever tried not letting her kids in the damn bathroom in the first place! That's the problem with children today, no discipline. If some kid tried to bug me in my litterbox he'd pull back a bloody stump where his nose used to be. Some things should be private. What this woman needs for her 40th birthday is a nanny who will whack her kids upside the head when they act like miserable cretins. Then maybe she could have some privacy whenever she wanted it. Think of it as the gift that keeps on giving (whacks upside the head).

Coming to the Spiritual Life section we finally find what seperates a successful women's magazine from the rest, rampant commercialism. Agnieszka Tennant takes us on an exciting exploration of spiritual directors. These are people who help you get in touch with the Holy Spirit to provide answers to your problems. Mind you the director doesn't ansswer your questions, like a psychic would, he just helps you find your own answers through the invisible man in the sky. As far as I can tlel all these guys do is ring a bell, light a candle and let you ask them questions that you meditate on yourself. In this way they're kind of like Livejournal, only more expensive. Everybody quoted in thsi article has a link to their book right after their name. This, I suspect, is where the real money for this article comes from. The priceless pearls of wisdom for those seeking spiritual direction?

1. Find someone farthwer down the path than you.

2. Spoiritual directors don't have better access to god than you do.

3. Good spiritual directors should be hard to find.

What kind of crap is this? So I'm looking for someone who's older than me, is hard to find and doesn't actually give me an answer? Ladies, save yourself some time and spend the same $30 you would on an advisor talking to Miss Cleo. At least then you'll get bullshit and answers instead of just bullshit.

The inevitable advice column is written by Dr. Leslie Parrot. Now I can't speak for everyone here but I do not trust parrots for advice, even if someone did give this one a degree. In addition to plugging her book, Dr. Parrot helps her readers deal with a mother-in-law who's butting her nose into family finances, a husband who's gotten fat since getting married and a woman who wants to help her new husband move beyond the pain of his previous divorce. In nature the strong prey on the weak and Dr. Parrot is no exception, using these poor people to plug her book and maintain her psychologically healthier than thou attidude. My advice: don't let your stepmother deal with the books, everyone looks a bit less hot after 22 years of marriage so just cope and if you husband's not over his last wife he shouldn't have married you. There, problems solved. Maybe I should write an advice column. Send all questions to morrisportnoy@gmail.com and I will gladly share my semi-divine fveline wisdom and solve all of you problems. Then, when enough of you send letters in, I'll write a book and make a ton of money off of it.

In short, it is clear that Today's Christian Woman is written by the insane, the deluded and the easily victimized. These low self esteem rejects are perfectly happy to give God credit for every good thing that hapens in their life while every bad thing that happens is their own fault, or God teaching them a lesson. This attitude is about as healthy as driving to work with your eyes closed because God will get you there. The entire thing is a scam by the deluded perpetrated on the weak. If this sounds like you, then by all means order a full subscription. If you want to be a real Christian, a soldier of God instead of these wimpy newagey Christians, consider http://www.landoverbaptist.org/ as an alternative to Today's Christian Woman.

Until next time

I'm Morris Portnoy

Taking advantage of you so others don't

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Born in Manhattan, Ian K. is older than MTV but younger than Etch-A-Sketch?, making him contemporary with Lite-Brite?. Like his contemporary, Ian exists to entertain others; a skill he has been honing for 2 decades. ... full profile