Yes, it's that time of year again, friends. "V-day" is almost upon us, that dreadful and infamous date when countless men attempt to storm cruel beaches barricaded with saccharine romantic cliches and unattainable female expectations.It's a holiday where we get to not only acknowledge but embrace gender stereotypes. Women: you love flowers, chocolates, stuffed animals, and cloying displayes of attention.
Men: you're forgetful, lazy, crude, and would rather be playing golf than giving any thought to what kind of hairdo your woman is sporting this month. Great, now that we've got that out of the way, let's move on to some cutesy little jokes about leaving the toilet seat up.
Does anyone still wonder why I've stocked a larger-than-normal supply of booze for today? Anyone uncertain why I advised all of my friends to do the same? Look, I know I'm a bit biased here-- I love liquor almost as much as I hate humanity. It goes along with being a brilliant writer and an abusive lover. But no sane person should have to face an afternoon of red crepe paper and Hallmark cupids in any state resembling sobriety.
For those of you stuck at work like me, I offer these words of advice: forget that furtive hide-the-bottle-under-the-desk shit. Drink openly, and drink often. It's far less suspicious and far more fun. And it's the only way that I'll make it to February 15th without ripping someone's nipples off with pliers.