Monday through Thursday

THE PENGUIN UPRISING BEGINS!

For decades I have been afraid of the monkey uprising, but I was wrong! They made their first strike against future president Newt Gingrich! We must fight back! We must stop the penguin uprising! Let us destroy all things Happy Feet! We should dig up the corpse of Burgess Meredith and burn it to send those flightless birds a message before they realize how to fly and bring the vision of Alfred Hitchcock's The Birds as a true vision of the future of the world.

We must stop this penguin uprising!

Wait!

What if that was a Werepenguin that bit Newt Gingrich? Silver bullets! Wait, curse my liberal, anti-gun view on life! How am I to fire a bullet with no gun! Woe, all is lost.

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