Articles > Evil Idiot

Go Back To Articles

You really have to wonder about the evil geniuses of adventure books, movies and video games. I mean, they're supposed to have an IQ of 50 billion, and yet hire idiotic minions, which always fail to do their bidding, due to simple distractions, or mathematical problems. Then there are the traps. Why is it every deadly trapdoor (usually leading to a pool of sharks, pit full of spikes and/or snakes, or a very long fall) backfires and causes the evil “genius” to be defeated? When the hero is trapped on the platform traveling into the nuclear reactor, or pool of sharks, or incinerator, or spikes, there will always be a ladder, a handy place for a grappling hook, or a device capable of deactivating the trap, easily available to the supposedly trapped hero. If the villain wanted the hero defeated, why put an easy escape route in the death trap?

When the hero is trapped in a prison/torture cell (possibly with laser bars and/or automatic turrets) why is there a ventilation shaft within leading straight to the control room? Plus, whenever they have the heroes captured, they immediately reveal their secret plans, so that when the hero escapes from their problematic trap, said hero can save the universe from said plans easily. And why is it every obstacle has ventilation shafts right past it, or can be passed with an electronic keypad, or simply has a great big hole in it? Why bother having so many obstacles, if every one is easily bypassed? Perhaps the villain couldn't afford to make every obstacle properly impregnable. But then, of course, the “genius” could simply make only one obstacle, which actually was impregnable, and not require all the other ones.

Of course, all this stupidity should make the evil genius extremely easy to defeat. But the heroes are probably idiots too. Let's say there are 10 magic devices, which together can control the universe. Obviously the villain wants them, and the heroes want to get them to stop the villain getting them. The heroes have found 9, and the villain has the other one. The heroes must head into the villain's lair to get the last device. But, the heroes take the other 9 with them as they quest for the last, rather than hiding them somewhere and entering the lair without the devices the villain so wishes to possess. Therefore, the villain simply kills them and takes the 9 devices, at last succeeding in his evil plans. But, of course, the death traps fail, thanks to a miniature EMP generator, and the minions are easily distracted by a portable television, and a DVD of Play School. So the heroes reach the evil genius's room of the lair, and the battle of wits, or lack thereof, begins. The heroes and villains fight, and the villain will seem defeated, when with a poof, he transforms into his “true form” (also sometimes called “ultimate form”, because this form is much more powerful) and fights again. When defeated again, he transforms into his REAL “true form”, and fights again (even more powerful!). When defeated this time, at last the heroes have won the last device. The question here is, why let so much of your health get removed? Why not turn into the REAL “true form” when the battle begins, thus having 2 defeats worth of health, but still having the ultra-super-duper-awesome-great-highly dangerous power of the REAL “true form”, so that the villain survives long enough to defeat the heroes with the REAL “true form”s power?

Obviously, because they should be called “evil idiots”.

Go Back To Articles