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Smithson Thus Far... ·

Brian Rogers (billionsix) says: Poor Sweetheart. She is finding out that her dear Captain Bram wasn't the perfect angel she remembers.
Ray Dillinger (bear) says: So apparently the virus is not fatal to all of them - it's just fatal to puppies born since Captain Bram's dogs have gained their independence....
Rob (rrreed) says: So Captain Bram created the virus (big surprise). But he's been dead for at least several years—so how did it get loose now, hmmm?
So It Begins (soitbegins) says: Ahhhhhhhhh. I kinda suspected that...
ysabet hasuko (ysabet) says:

Okay, conjecture time!  Based on total late-night post-midnight ramblings, yay!

1. For what probably seemed like a good idea at the time, Cap'n Bram began his quest for World Domination by attempting to transform a human into a dog or wolf; it worked, but the intellect didn't transfer into the 4-legged shape.

2. When the first project began to go bad, he turned to his secondary scheme: the same line of thought, but in reverse order-- dogs with hominid intellect and speech.  Originally he had intended a crossbreeding program to develop creatures that could take either shape and retain their intelligence. However, he soon discovered that one line was fatal to the other...

3. ...and scrapped the first project, destroying his initial experimental subject/s. He thought. Wrongly.  At least one got away. Why didn't this subject immediately infect the town's population? Because he/she left, possibly with the sled-dog teams that pass through. Or more prosaically by car or whatever; who knows?

Wild conjecture is fun.  I'm positive I've got errors all through that, but whatever; it's late and I'm tired.  **yaaaawn**

Rob (rrreed) says: I'm more of the mind that this outbreak is very, very recent, and not at all accidental. Operating under that assumption, who benefits? What's the motive? And is the current situation with the townsfolk the desired result, or the result of things getting out of hand?
Mike Kozar (mikekozar) says: @rreed:  Intriguing!  Does Sweetheart's pack gain something by infecting the town?  Humans go crazy, kill each other, get wiped out, we get a lootable town instead of caves?  Maybe somebody really wanted Sweetheart back, maybe as Alpha, and figured out they had a way to get Skin Horse to drop in?  Maybe they thought they had a better chance of making an ally out of a sometime-canid...  Or maybe they just invited a human in to open some doors, and they wound up wandering off the tour and drinking out of an Erlenmeyer flask?
Nate Cull (natecull) says:

(TUNE: "The Candyman Can", Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory)

Who can take a puppy
Sprinkle it with hate
Cover it with 'shock and awww'
And seething murd'rous rage?

Captain Bram can!
Captain Bram can!
Captain Bram can
cause he wants to rule the world
from his cold dead grave!

Who can take a small town
Wrap it in a sneeze
With just a pinch of DNA
That makes them slavering (but so cute!) death machines?

Captain Bram?

Yes Captain Bram can!
Captain Bram can!
Captain Bram can
cause he wants to rule the world
from his cold dead grave!

Who can take tomorrow
Dip it in a dream
Of blood and war and sorrow
And doggy treats and screams?

Captain Bram can!

shui lung (draconautus) says:

Hey Shaenon, I just finished reading 'Narbonic' and all I can say is AWESOME!  You have re-awakened my love of Mad Science (admittedly it was only really daydreaming). Loved the story, loved the art, loved the characters. And what a great conclusion. My hat is off to you madam! Huzzah! Pip,pip, jolly good read!

 (oh and Skin Horse rocks as well)

(and the Edward Gorey version of "The Trouble with Tribbles" is a perfect pastiche of his work. Excellent!)

 In short, thank you for the fantastic work!

Andrew Kunz (miyaa) says: And yet he did not leave instructions as to how to make it immune to their offspring. Interesting.
Tiff Hudson (tiff_hudson) says: Hmmm... I wonder if Captain Bram used a coal furnace? And, if so, who was Bram's stoker?
Dave Van Domelen (dvandom) says: Come here, Tiff, I need to harm you.

Andrew: Well, I don't think he planned on being eaten by the pack.

Nate Cull (natecull) says: A guy named Vlad. He's pretty good with a pole.
Andrew Kunz (miyaa) says: Bad, Tiff. No cookie!
Galadriel (galadriel) says: I'm anticipating something having to do with the fact that Sweetheart & pals don't have opposable thumbs.  Accidental or deliberate.
Johnn Reynolds (sleepyjohn) says:

Opposable thumbs?  Sweetheart is too good-natured to oppose anything.

"Science was never your strong suit" explains a LOT about how she ended up working for Skin Horse.

E H (blue-five) says: Hee...Sweetheart in a suit.
K C (spotweld) says:

I wonder what a Mad Science Fairy would look like.

I'm assuming bat wings, lab coat and leather corset at a minimum.

Terry Smith (wcfan) says:

For a minute there I thought you said 'Mad Science Fair'.

I'd LOVE to see that!

Shaenon Garrity (shaenongarrity) says:

And yet he did not leave instructions as to how to make it immune to their offspring. Interesting.

1. They have a vaccine.

2. He was a mad scientist. Preparing for emergencies and long-term problems is practically against the rules.
Diane Castle (deecee) says:

Mad Science Fair?  It's been done.

Oh wait, *I* did it!  :-)

David Vander Deen (dvddeen) says: I doubt that the pack released the virus on purpose.  Earlier in the strip they were saying they were starving because the werewolves were eating all the game.  I think they probably would have realized competition for food is a bad thing.  Animals usually have that instinct and I think highly intelligent dogs would still use their instincts.
chic geek (onechicgeek) says: I remember that! Someone took baby monkeys, and gave some of them a soft stuffed toy monkey mom to cuddle, while the others got a monkey made out of wire. Indeed, the second group was more aggressive, less social skills, ect. ect. But here it sounds like thw wire monkey mom was poor sweetheart's gentle influence growing up in the pack...
Rob (rrreed) says: "FOOLS! They LAUGHED at my lycanthropic elixir! But I'll show them… I'll show them all!"


"And then perhaps some sponge cake and a little wine… Ah, thank you, Muffin."
So It Begins (soitbegins) says: Er.
Pete Bleackley (petethemadscientist) says: Sweetheart's line in the last panes is priceless.
Tiff Hudson (tiff_hudson) says:

The wire monkey mom had artificial teats from which the baby monkey could feed. The cuddly soft monkey mom had none. Both were in the cage at the same time. The baby monkey would go to the wire mom when he was hungry, but the cuddly mom when he was frightened. I don't recall a difference in social skills. I think it was part of the PBS Series The Brain back in the 80's. The Brain is what made my wife finally break down and allow a color (shock!) TV into the house.

I would buy a T-Shirt that said "I'm not the kind of homicidal maniac that goes crazy and kills people"

David Harmon (mental_mouse) says: chic geek: That would be Dr. Harry Harlow. Even he was disturbed by the cruelty of his work -- as he himself put it, he only finished the series of experiments so that nobody would ever have to repeat them....
Ed Gedeon (eddurd) says:

(TUNE: "Celebration", Kool & The Gang)

Ho-mi-ci-dal ma-NI-AC!
Ho-mi-ci-dal ma-NI-AC!

You remember dear ol' Captain Bram ...
He kinda made me ... made what I am!
He did some bad stuff, and some good stuff too,
Although his brain was slightly askew!
(Come on now!)

(Ho-mi-ci-dal ...)
He would, now and then, commit homicide ...
(Ho-mi-ci-dal ...)
We knew, way back when, that his brain was fried ...

He used to awe-inspire us;
I can't believe ... IT'S HIS VIRUS!
He made were-wolf path-o-gens, who knew?!
Yeah, who?!

Dave Van Domelen (dvandom) says: There are few things more dangerous than a mad scientist who feels he isn't being sufficiently challenged....
Dave Van Domelen (dvandom) says: Addendum: there's a graphic novel by Ottaviani about the Wire Mother experiments and other work by Harlow.
EvilMid nightLurker (emlurker) says:

"Do you want Wire Mommy or Soft Mommy?"

"Ma...  Ma...  CAPTAIN BRAM!"

 Doesn't quite work.  ("You just raised your gun and said one word... WEREWOLF VIRUS!  Wait, that's two.")

Rob (rrreed) says: @Tiff—If the back of the shirt says, "I'm the other kind," I'm in!
Li B (li) says:

@ Tiff, Reed:


Frank (pokefan_frank) says: The first time I get the first comment, and I'm going to have to waste it asking what Sweetheart means with "Why paradise" Although it's funny that Sweetheart got a shot to get over drunkedness faster. Hey, maybe we can add that to booster shots and party longer!
David Vander Deen (dvddeen) says:

Paradise is the name of the town they were in.  It wasn't really a shot that makes her get over drunkeness faster, it was part of her genetic engineering.  A negative side effect to something that would otherwise be a good thing!

 I can see it now.  "We've created a gene that will give you faster healing and help you recover faster from toxins."

 "Sounds great!  Any side effects?"

"Well you won't be able to get drunk anymore."


John Campbell (jcampbel) says: Helen's intoxication-curing ray seems like a better idea, but it'd be kind of hard to use without proper hands.
M. Alan Thomas II (crazydreamer) says: I would still prefer cybernetics with an on-off switch; that way the alcohol can be metabolized rapidly if necessary. (Thank you, Ghost in the Shell.)
Nate Cull (natecull) says:

Take me down to Paradise, Alaska
Where the girls are fast and the wolves are faster
Oh won't you please take me home..


So It Begins (soitbegins) says: Ah, gratitude.
Pete Bleackley (petethemadscientist) says:

I wonder if every Mad Biologist has a favourite species that they're obsessed with experimenting on. I also wonder if, had Helen Narbon ever met Captain Bram, they could have worked together on a race of vicious superintelligent gerbil-dog hybrids.

Probably not. Working together isn't really a Mad Scientist thing.

Ed Gedeon (eddurd) says:

@Pete: Funny you should say that ... don't worry, you'll find out soon.  (Heh heh heh)

(TUNE: "Over There", George M. Cohan)

Sober dog!
Sober dog!
I'm not dead,
'Cause my head
Cleared its fog!

Now I've got a good gene
That keeps my blood clean,
Explained by Muffin's monologue!

What it does
Is the cause
Of my rant
'Cause I can't
Keep a buzz!

I'm immune now!
And very soon, now,
We'll find out if Tip's life is over, sober dog!

Dave Van Domelen (dvandom) says: Pete: I suppose it would've depended on whether Bram was hawt. And Helen does have a thing for "wolves"....
Andrew Kunz (miyaa) says:

I'd take the ability to heal fast if it means I can't ever get drunk. I'd be great at parties, and be the first guy to drink whatever everyone else is drinking and still be the designated driver.

And really, a dog wanting to get drunk is a sad, sad, thing.

Erik Waer (raistandantilus) says: I find it ironic that the advertisement at the top of my page reads 'Is drinking destorying your life?'  Maybe they need some of this gene therapy.
James Rice (jhrice) says: That makes Muffin at least one generation older than Sweetheart.  It also seems that Muffin was closer to captain Bram (at least on a scientific level) than Sweetheart.  Even ignoring the pack attitudes, it seems that not all dogs were equal.
Dov Mittelman (silentspeaker) says:

Yes, whether it cures the drinking or not, mad gene therapy would definitely put an end to one's life being de-storied.

Andrew Kunz (miyaa) says: This is like Animal Farm, the Mad Scientist edition.
Jon Stout (brasswatchman) says: I'm getting the sense that Muffin was Captain Bram's Artie, in terms of being a combination of test subject and lab assistant. (Not like Artie ever really helped Helen out much, but he had the mental capability to do so.) Maybe this is a standard mad scientist pattern - make a super-smart creation first, so he/she/it can help you make the rest, if he/she/it doesn't betray you first?
Chasing Darkness (chasingdarkness) says: miyaa--then what's it all an allegory to?
Rob (rrreed) says: Hmm... So is the vaccine Tip received a vaccine in the traditional sense (stimulate production of specific antibodies), or gene therapy (overwrites the genetic changes the werewolf virus made)? And if it's a traditional vaccine, have the dogs of the generations prior to Sweetheart's or—more importantly— Tip become carriers of the werewolf virus?
Rob (rrreed) says: An' Sweetheart goes sailin' up de Nile, clear up t' de Aswan High Dam.
Cara d(^o^)b (carakaze) says: Poor Sweetheart! :(
shui lung (draconautus) says: It's always tough when we learn that our parents are only human after all. Probably tougher than usual in this case . . .
So It Begins (soitbegins) says: *sigh*
Ed Gedeon (eddurd) says:

(TUNE: "Love Shack", The B-52s)

See this electrode,
It's as big as a tree!
And Captain used it on me!
He liked to play god,
He had such a weird twitch!
Then he'd shout with glee, "Now throw the third switch!"

It's a love shock!
Just a little old shock to
Help re-start my heart now!
Love shock, bay-beeee ...

Dave Van Domelen (dvandom) says: I think we need a puppy-days flashback for Sweetheart right about now.

Or just more puppies in general.

Elaine Corvidae (elaine_corvidae) says: I'm with Dave. Bring on puppy Sweetheart!
Diane Castle (deecee) says:

@Ed: OMG, that's funny!

Nate?  Your turn now...  :-)

Joyce Melton (halfelven) says: Typical dog attitude, actually. "My human wouldn't hurt me on purpose and never has." 
Jon W. (kd7sov) says: There's a certain type of understatement that greatly amuses me. Panel two is a wonderful example of it.
Rob (rrreed) says: <*sigh*>
Andrew Kunz (miyaa) says: Indian burns? Is that the same thing as those vinyl rug burns? And no, I don't know why I grew up in a house with vinyl rugs.
Ed Gedeon (eddurd) says:

The obvious song to parody here is "Total Eclipse Of The Heart" by Bonnie Tyler, but I already used that one.  Hmmmm ...

(TUNE: "Circle Of Life", Elton John & Tim Rice)

From the day that we're first put together,
'Til the night we at last fall apart,
When love is gone, the pain lingers on
Like an Indian burn of the heart!

The pain of loss makes us stronger,
The hurt that's a good kind of hurt;
As we go on life's way, we know that some day,
We will all take a nap in the dirt!

It's the Circle of Death!
And it claims us all!
You may rise so high,
But you soon will fall!
For you can not win,
And you can't break even ...
It's the Circle ...
The Circle of Death!

shui lung (draconautus) says:

Okay now I'm REALLY depressed Ed . . .

Andrew, an Indian Burn is when someone (usually an older brother or the school bully) rubs or paddles your arm or stomach until it's bright red and hurts like hell.

shui lung (draconautus) says:

To the Tune of 'Indian Summer' by the Doors

Cap'n loved me best
Better than all the rest.
It hurts deep in my chest
Burns so I can't rest.
Now Caps dead, what a bummer.
Indian Burn
in my heart since that summer.
Indian Burn
in my heart since that summer.

shui lung (draconautus) says: And despite Muffin's claim, it's NOT a good kind of hurt.
Shaenon Garrity (shaenongarrity) says:

This is obviously one of Jeffrey's scripts. My husband commented that if I'd written this one, the last panel would've been about dogs eating Captain Bram's corpse.
Kevin Menard (technogypsy) says: We figured that was coming next strip...
Kevin Menard (technogypsy) says: shui lung - in the NE indian burn refered to grapping a limb with both hands and twisting them in opposite directions.
kit f (motherkat) says: Don't tell Unity about that metaphor, she'll only ettempt to literalize it, and that could be messy.
So It Begins (soitbegins) says: Um.
Diane Castle (deecee) says:

@Ed: 'you can not win and you can't break even'.  Are you sure that's not the Circle of The Three Laws of Thermodynamics?

@Shaenon: And the last pane about dogs eating Bram's corpse would have been bad for just what reason?  Sounds good here...

Owl Who says South (owlsayssouth) says: @Shaenon: its okay. we all were thinking about the dogs eatting the corpse after panel two.
Jeffrey Channing Wells (channing) says:

@Diane: It would have been bad because we have used that joke before, and here at Skin Horse we are committed to only ever using the same joke one time.  For instance, can you find the one spot in the archive where where it's funny because somebody might eat Tip?  How about the one time where Tip is vain and obsesses about his clothing?

It will be a true challenge for the dedicated fan to locate these gags, wherever they might be.

Rob (rrreed) says:

And forever after, Captain Bram was fondly remembered for giving Muffin… heartburn.
Jon W. (kd7sov) says: Argh. Clearly I'm not cut out for impromptu filking. The second panel is telling me to mutilate "Lily's Eyes" from The Secret Garden, but I can't come up with anything past about a dozen lines in.


Dave Corbett (mr_dave) says: @Rob: Huh? Hah! Got it!

Sorry; it took me a minute to digest that reference...
shui lung (draconautus) says: And it just ate at you didn't it?
Carl Fishman (carlfishman) says: That's because it's hard to swallow.
Terry Smith (wcfan) says:

Wire Mom! Right out of Scientific American!

Not as good as the TerryCloth Mom!

Ed Gedeon (eddurd) says:

(TUNE: "Ring Of Fire", Johnny Cash)

Oh, Cap-tain Bram could cook!
One day, he went and took
The bas-ket from the fryer,
And made ... my Mom of wire!

Spen-ding time with my Mother made of wire!
And her love, love, love is the one thing I desire!
She's so cool, cool, cool ...
My Mom of wire,
My Mom of wire!

Rob (rrreed) says:

But before putting their new plan into effect, Unity and Buddy stopped at the Korova Milkbar to sharpen themselves up.
Michael Brewer (wusemajor) says: You know, it occures to me to wonder if Muffin has actually been working on a cure for the were-virus.
So It Begins (soitbegins) says: Um.
David Harmon (mental_mouse) says: Awww....
Terry Volkirch (terry) says:

Does Unity have a mishmash of different brains like she does other body parts? That would be interesting if she did.

Here's your reward in advance for answering my question:

Dogs beg and give you unconditional love. Cats play a little and sleep a lot. I think that answers the question, "Which is smarter?" :p

Andrew Kunz (miyaa) says: Ironically enough, Sweetheart also has an aunt made out of ShamWow.
KaT Adams (kat_adams) says: I'll second that "awwwwwwwww"
Magnolia Pearl Porter (magnoliapearl) says: I thought it was the cloth mother they were supposed to have an attachment to. The wire mother gives them food, but its uncomfortable so they prefer the cloth one. That's how I understood it, anyway.
Kaesa Aurelia (kaesa) says: I was all sad for Sweetheart after reading this but Andrew's hypothetical ShamWow aunt has left me giggling helplessly for several minutes.
Erik Waer (raistandantilus) says: Wait...  How is 'violence' a new plan?
Kenneth Reeves (tetramorpheus) says: The preference could be an interesting commentary on the addition of intellectual reasoning to the process. A thinking creature might come to appreciate the qualities of a "tough-but generous provider" over a "soft pushover." Alternately, its possibly Cpt. Bram ONLY provided his creations with Wire Moms.
Tiff Hudson (tiff_hudson) says: At first I though "wire mom" was a totem to Dana's world-destroying hamsters.
Diane Castle (deecee) says:

@Ed: That rocks!  Another masterpiece.

@Terry: Dogs think you're one of them.  Cats think you're one of them.  That alone doesn't make EITHER smarter, just that they instincitvely put you in a different order in their pack.  Plus, there's the whole genetic variation issue.  I've seen dogs so dumb they could be used for garden statuary, but our old collie was a hundred times smarter than any cat he ever met.  I once watched him playing with our old cat, and I could SEE the second the lightbulb went on and he figured out exactly what the cat was going to do next.  The cat didn't like pulling a super-sneaky maneuver and finding the dog happily waiting for her.

Andrew Kunz (miyaa) says:

I have a cat who has dog-like tendancies, like following me when I'm walking and licking my face to wake me up.

I will say this is the difference between cats and dogs. With dogs, you could genetically engineer them so that they look less like a dog and more like a mop. If you genetically engineered a cat, they'd probably would end up ruling the world.

Steve J (stevej) says:

No, this is what cats are really like.

We had a 17# tom and if he could have figured out how to do this, he would have.


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Shaenon Garrity ||    Forum ·  External Homepage ·  Blog · 

The education bestowed on Shaenon K. Garrity by her parents had been expensive, athletic and prolonged. ... full profile