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Smithson Thus Far... ·

Rob (rrreed) says: You know, I can see Sweetheart and Nick really getting along well once they get to know each other better.

And I think it's now official—Nick, the human brain implanted in a V-22 Osprey, is the sanest member of the field team.
Michael Brewer (wusemajor) says: Having just looked up the results of the experiments, yeah Sweetheart is a bit weird.
ysabet hasuko (ysabet) says: Frankly, I think the terrycloth homewrecker is WAY creepier-looking than Mrs. Wiremonkey. Brrrr...
Nate Cull (natecull) says:

(Tune: Mrs Robinson, Simon and Garfunkel)

We'd like to know a little bit about you for our files
We'd like to help upgrade your DNA
Look around you, all you see are sympathetic eyes
And artificial livers, and I think that's half a brain...

And here's to you Mrs Wiremom
Sweetheart loves you more than you will know
Wo wo wo
She's built to please, Mrs Wiremom
Plug her in, she'll cuddle you all day
Hey hey hey

Getting vivisected on a Sunday afternoon
Waking up with two or three new limbs
It's a little secret, just us superdogs' affair
Most of all we've got to hide it from the humans

Where have you gone, oh mon capitan
Our nation turns its lonely eyes and howls
Wow wow wow
What's that you say, Mrs Wiremom?
Captain Bram has left and gone away?
Hey hey hey

Pete Bleackley (petethemadscientist) says: It occurs to me that this is the second storyline in a row to deal with the field team's pasts and their evil creators.
Ed Gedeon (eddurd) says:

(TUNE: "Billie Jean", Michael Jackson)

This is my mom and she's made of wire!
(My heart's on fire!)
When I was little, I'd cuddle right up to her side ...
And her milk
I would drink
From her nip!

The other one there is made of fuzz!
(That's all she does!)
I couldn't care much, no matter how hard that she tried ...
Had no milk
I could drink,
What a rip!

Well you know that Dr. Harlow,
He made two kinds of moms;
Both the wiry and the fuzzy kind!
But you see that my response now,
Is way outside the norms!
My mom loves me,
She feeds me,
My wire mom, she needs me!

Terrycloth's not my mom!
She's just the one who tries to break up my home!
The wire one is my own!
Terrycloth's not my mom!
She's just a doll who claims she's fuzzy and soft ...
Well, she can go fuzz off!

Tiff Hudson (tiff_hudson) says: Unity's last line sounds like a Keanu Reeves line from Bill and Ted. :-)
Andrew Kunz (miyaa) says: I'm sorry I ever brought up the idea of having a monkey made out of ShamWow.
James Kehl (shykta) says:

@Pete - that would suggest that, in a few arcs' time, we're going to meet Tip's evil creators...

 "Hi, Mom...  uh, can I ask you a favour? A talking dog and a zombie destroyed my apartment..."

Eric Burns (ericburns) says: Now now. Tip came right out and said that the Army made him....
So It Begins (soitbegins) says: ....
To put it bluntly, ><!!
Joyce Melton (halfelven) says:

The songs today are filking hilarious! Good job, Ed and Nate! I'm going to have those running through my head all day. LOL.

And Jeff and Shaenon, this is twisted in a different way than the origins of Nick and Unity, funny and sad and just WARPED!

If it were the sixties, I'd offer to take you guys out and get stoned together but YOU DON'T NEED IT! 

Jeffrey Channing Wells (channing) says:'s not the Sixties?
Adam Underfoot (unnatural20) says: It's the year two-thousand and WHAT?!
Well, dang. Time to trade in my tie-dye and ponytail for a MCR shirt and fringe, I guess.
Dov Mittelman (silentspeaker) says: You guys just need a different calendar. On the Jewish calendar there are still a couple of months in 5769.
Alix Tierney (almaseti) says: Buddy is so cute.
So It Begins (soitbegins) says: ...tastes funny?
shui lung (draconautus) says:

My Dog Arabella was wondering if she could join the game?

And if y'all haven't seen "UP" it's totally worth it.

Rob (rrreed) says: Am I being paranoid, or is the team being deliberately split up again?
  • Tip: locked up in a cell in case he goes feral—at Muffin's suggestion.
  • Sweetheart: having a bit of a nap after a Muffin-instigated existential crisis—at Muffin's suggestion.
  • Unity: gone hunting with Buddy. Is Unity sure it was her idea?
  • Nick: down, but not out (as it were). Possible ace in the hole if his sentience is not known outside of the field team.
They're being played, I tell ya'!
llearch n'n'daCorna (llearch) says:

You're paranoid, rreed.

Of course, they _are_ being split up deliberately, mind. But you're paranoid, too. ;-]

Dave Van Domelen (dvandom) says: At least Unity didn't try to eat Wire Mother. That would have ended badly for all involved.
Scott R (nekura) says: It's not paranoia if everyone really is out to get you.
Frank (pokefan_frank) says:

I'd say it's more of an author's doing, than Muffin's doing. Splitting them up is fun! Also, it's easier to write dialogues than, uh, pentalogues

BTW, is that her tongue sticking out of her mouth? Or is it the... whatever-it-is that tastes funny?

Mason Kramer (masonk) says:

She ate the cloth mother.

 Which is the natural progression from learning that Sweetheart didn't like the cloth mother, that homewrecker.

jeff wikstrom (jeffwik) says: Shenanigans!  Yesterday Sweetheart said Wire Mother had only a single nipple; today we can clearly see two.
Johnn Reynolds (sleepyjohn) says:

'cloth monkey' tastes funny, IINM.

And Unity doesn't really care whose idea it was, as long as she gets to hunt something.

Richard Wendling (misterflames) says: I was just thinking that Wire Mother appears to bear a passing resemblence to Mustachio, myself.
Andrew Kunz (miyaa) says:

I still have the sock monkey I had as a child whille in Thailand. (Mom's originally from Thailand.)

Am I the only one to notice that they couldn't find a single tongue to put into Unity's mouth? (Would that make her bilingual?)

Mr. Z (demonbunny3po) says:

"jeff wikstrom (jeffwik) says: Shenanigans!  Yesterday Sweetheart said Wire Mother had only a single nipple; today we can clearly see two."

I believe those are actually eyes.

Eric Burns (ericburns) says:


Am I the only one to notice that they couldn't find a single tongue to put into Unity's mouth? (Would that make her bilingual?)

That's the soft mommy's leg.

Rob (rrreed) says: @llearch n'n'daCorna—Meanwhile, our heroes aren't being paranoid enough, especially since they know they were played once already, and now know where the virus came from.

"There are two kinds of paranoia: Total, and insufficient. I am both, because if you think you are sufficiently paranoid, you're not."

- Guildenstern, Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead
Dave Corbett (mr_dave) says: @nekura: Who told you to say that?
Jon Stout (brasswatchman) says: /* Yesterday Sweetheart said Wire Mother had only a single nipple; today we can clearly see two." */ Well, obviously, one of them is fake.
Honora O\'Toole (jinjur) says: Wow, I guess this means Tip is infected, seeing as he thinks dissing an undead killing machine is what he wants to do right now.
Carl Fishman (carlfishman) says: Well, he's on the other side of a locked (and presumably) sturdy door right now.  Maybe he figures that this is as good a timeas any to diss her.  And figures that she'll have forgotten about it ("Squirrel!") by the time he's out.  That doesn't sound particularly stupid to me.
Alix Tierney (almaseti) says: Peach, Apple and Apricot? I bet they were part of the same little. Also, how many more ways can you differentiate the doggy design in this style when you're working in black and white like that? Unity is the plainest, while Buddy has the eye-spot, Sparkle has the torn ear, and Muffin is shaded all over. I'll be impressed if you can show us three more visually distinct dogs.
Dov Mittelman (silentspeaker) says:

No no no, people. Paranoia is the delusion that your enemies are well-organized.

Rob (rrreed) says: @jinjur—Even more telling is that the tail of Tip's word balloon is wavering. That, or Shaenon's doing something wonky with the stone wall in the background.

@Dov—What delusion? You're obviously working for the Department of Paranoia Disinformation and Propaganda! o_O
James Rice (jhrice) says:

 Unity is the plainest, while Buddy has the eye-spot, Sparkle has the torn ear, and Muffin is shaded all over. I'll be impressed if you can show us three more visually distinct dogs.

Just a quick FYI, Unity is not one of the dogs.   I think you're thinking of Sweetheart.

Speaking Unity, I saw a church marquee today that said, "The Perils of Unity".  I wished I had my camera for that.

Nate Cull (natecull) says:

'The Perils of Unity' would be the best 1920s movie matinee serial ever!

Last time we left our heroine, she was tied to the railroad tracks by Pesky McEvilbeard...

Whoooo! Chugga chugga chugga CHOMP KICK *crunch* KER-STEAM! KER-STACHE! KER-LENS!


*Blair Witch style ending where the camera falls over and keeps running*

"Hey, neat head, camera-dude! Mind if I borrow?"

... due to technical difficulties, filming on 'The Perils of Unity' has been suspended indefinitely and surviving cast and crew are receiving trauma counselling...

Ed Gedeon (eddurd) says:

Peach, Apple, Apricot?  Apparently the pack has a high rate of turnover ...

(TUNE: "Our Love's In Jeopardy", Greg Kihn Band)

Well we flew up ... to Alaska now,
The town of Paradise!
Sparkle found us ... please don't ask her how!
"Those people act too nice!"
When we told her ... 'bout Tip's shoulder,
She said, "As I feared!"
That National Guardsman sergeant,
He was total chill, but kinda weird!

He, he,
He hit on Unity, baby!
(Ooo-oo-oo-oo ...)
Because of lunacy, maybe!
(Ooo-oo-oo-oo ...)

Andrew Kunz (miyaa) says: What, no Blueberry? (The second generation of sentient Akias clearly were named after Hostess Fruit Pie fillings.)
Frank (pokefan_frank) says: Now, miyaa, you can't do that. Otherwise, everytime that dog wants waffles, Unity would basically shut down. Rember? Like, in the last storyline?
Thomas Levy (ergonomytch) says:

@rreed "Even more telling is that the tail of Tip's word balloon is wavering." I think that just means his voice is coming from the other side of a closed door, the wavering representing the muffledness.

Elaine Corvidae (elaine_corvidae) says:

@Ed "Turnover?" Groan!

 (That was a good one!)

KaT Adams (kat_adams) says: @ Ed and Elaine: Just got the turnover gag. *dies*
shui lung (draconautus) says: I thought Ed's pun was quite ful-filling. One must admit he has a lot of crust. And as always he takes no short(ning) cuts in his work. A very Pie-ous individual is our Et-I mean Ed. Feel free to pop-over any time Ed!
shui lung (draconautus) says: So if the virus makes you think bad ideas are good ideas, how is that any different from Unity's normal style of operations?
Rob (rrreed) says: So if evil persons are infected, they'll become upstanding, philanthropic pillars of the community? During the day, at least?
Rockphed (rockphed) says:

Wait, so now we meet the ineffable Captain Bram?  In a dream sequence no less.  Truly we are going into the trippy land of trippyness with this one.

Rachel Blackman (rainpacket) says:

Dream sequence with /sausages/.  That may be trippy, but also awesome.  

(I don't even like sausage, but my corgi is quite thrilled by the concept.)

Prodigal (prodigal) says: Oh my GOD she was cute as a puppy.
Ray Phoenix (graypheonix) says: Dude, sausages, especially a sausage picnic?  Always awesome, let no one lie about it. 
A Cosper (queenofzan) says: Puppy!Sweetheart is one of the cutest things I have ever seen.
John Campbell (jcampbel) says: I'm not sure what I expected Captain Bram to look like, but I'm pretty sure this wasn't it.
ysabet hasuko (ysabet) says:


**koffkoff**  Okay, got that out've my system now. mostly.

Joyce Melton (halfelven) says:

My little dog just hurt herself playing on the porch, perhaps badly, and now the idea of someone giving poison sausages to a puppy has me bawling my eyes out.

The drawings are fun, Shaenon, and I'm glad Captain Bram is D-E-A-D. Dogs are so trusting and loving, I can recognize the humor here but at the moment, I'm not laughing. Sorry.

Shaenon Garrity (shaenongarrity) says:

I hope your dog is okay, Joyce, but I can't promise never to write anything where dogs might get hurt.
Joyce Melton (halfelven) says: Yeah, I know. Shaenon. All you can do is be as funny as you can. Thanks for drawing and co-writing such a wonderful strip.
Diane Castle (deecee) says:

@Joyce: I'm so sorry about your dog.  But please don't take it out on Shaenon.

@Shaenon: I didn't expect Captain Bram to look like this.  For some reason, I was expecting a Nice Hat and a Beard Of Evil, along with a wacky uniform.  (Okay, so I read the TV Tropes Wiki too.  So sue me.)  I WAS sure Puppy Sweetheart would be as cute as a button, since she's so darn cute *now*.

Joyce Melton (halfelven) says:

@Diane I'm not taking it out on Shaenon. I'm not sure why you think I am.

By the way, the dog seems to be better. And my sense of humor is recovering. :)

Bram looks like a muscular Evil Dave with his head shaved. Everybody needs a villain you can thoroughly dislike. That alone makes today's strip worth it. And baby Sweetheart is so cute.

Nate Cull (natecull) says:

(Tune: "Ride Captain Ride", Blues Image)

Sweetheart dreamed of sleeping
In a bright Canadian day
Rolled off of her Wiremom
And here's what she had to say

She's calling everyone to ride along
To Apocalypse
We can kill all the humans dead
And eat sausages!

But nobody saw her going
To her special happy place
They were too busy kicking
Former werewolves in the face

So as a storm comes rolling
Out on the peaceful streets
Sweetheart dreams herself once more
Into history

Ride, Captain Bram
Unleash your myst'ry pups
Be amazed at the friends who're going to eat you up!

Ride, Captain Bram
Unleash your myst'ry pack
On your way to a world where Death's a cute attack!

Adam Underfoot (unnatural20) says: Captain Bram looks about like a couple of Canadians I know.
Bald, burly, bearded, bespectacled.
So It Begins (soitbegins) says: Yay!

And cute.
shui lung (draconautus) says: @Joyce, that was the first thing I noticed-Bram really does look like Buff Dave sans hair. And puppy Sweetheart being so excited is one of the cutest things ever. Hooray for non-poisoned sausages!
Kenneth Reeves (tetramorpheus) says: I'd like to comment, but honestly, my brain was just hit by a freight-train of cuteness and needs a reboot.
Ed Gedeon (eddurd) says: This is a rather dramatic change of pace for the story.  Up until now, most of the featured characters have been strong females (Sweetheart, Unity, Gavotte, Dr. Lee, Sheriff Julie, Sparkle) ... and all of a sudden the strip turns into a sausage fest.
Andrew Kunz (miyaa) says: Oh, please. It's only poisoned sausage when the sausage is an ingredient in Haggis.
Johnny Assay (johnny_assay) says:

The Canadian children's singers Sharon, Lois, & Bram:,_Lois_&_Bram 

 There's definitely a resemblance.  I will not be surprised if Captain Bram starts singing "Skinnamarink" and has a sapient elephant as a henchman.

Kathy Moon (flipkat) says:

Great, now I'm going to have "Skinnamarink" stuck in my head, and it's not even Ed's fault! I agree, though, that I was expecting something more like Cap'n Crunch, at least hatwise.

Mason Kramer (masonk) says: Come here, Ed. I need to hurt you.
KaT Adams (kat_adams) says:


*Sparkle eyes*

Terry Smith (wcfan) says:

I think Captian Bram looks a lot like Schlock Mercenary cartoonist Howard Taylor!

Whats up with that?

Mark H- (eyeharvester) says: Yeah, this is exactly how a Candian mad scientist should look. Less with the OBVIOUS madness, and more with the "OGod, thisguylookslikeanengineerandimeanengineersuse WRENCHES andomygodwhatshegonnadowiththatwrench???
Mike Kozar (mikekozar) says:

@Terry Smith:  Exactly what I thought!


I too was expecting an over-the-top Captain uniform, like somthing off the Seargent Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band cover.  I'm sure he'll still be quite mad, though. 

Eric Burns (ericburns) says:

Buff Dave sans hair? Maybe.

But as God as my Witness, I look at Cap'n Bram and I see Howard "Schlock Mercenary" Tayler during his bearded period.

Of course, when I met the lovely and talented Mr. Tayler, it was at a college function Shaenon was also attending, so I may be conflating for no good reason other than good memories...

Tiff Hudson (tiff_hudson) says: "He's a lumberjack and he's okay..."
Sean Kinlin (seaking) says: I saw the Captain and immediately thought of cartoonist Paul Sizer.
Rockphed (rockphed) says:

Alas, this is how science dies: at the unfeeling hands of poppyseed bagels.  Let there be a moment of silence for Captain Bram.

Ed Gedeon (eddurd) says:

(TUNE: "Fly Like An Eagle", Steve Miller Band)

Chives, herbs, and onion (onion onion ...)
Mixed in my cream cheese!
I've got a fun plan ...
Ev'ryone scream, please!

I'm gonna dine on a bagel
With some lox!
Dine on a bagel
'Cause I'm crazy like a fox!
I'm gonna dine on a bagel
With some lox!
Dine on a bagel
'Cause mad science really rocks!

Alix Tierney (almaseti) says: So. Cute.
Dave Van Domelen (dvandom) says: Good thing he didn't want blueberry waffles.
Brian Rogers (billionsix) says: Obviously, the poppyseed bagels are part of his cunning plan to get all of Alaska to fail drug tests!
So It Begins (soitbegins) says: ......
Megan Brunner (avid) says: Puppy Sweetheart frolicking after butterflies is an adorable way to start the morning.
Mason Kramer (masonk) says:

"I wanna invade Alaska now!"

Who doesn't?

Andrew Kunz (miyaa) says: Especially after Palin left the scene.
Mark H- (eyeharvester) says:

"My two best dogs and a chain of salami on a sunny hillside...A sunny hillside with an EXCELLENT VIEW OF MY COMING CONQUEST."

 You're right, Cap'n Bram. That is a damn tough thing to beat. 

shui lung (draconautus) says:

What's the difference between Sara Palin and Dick Cheney?

When Palin shoots you, you stay down . . .

Puppy Sweetheart really is just the most adorable cartoon puppy EVER

Four Deer (fourdeerinmyyard) says:

Poison sausages?
Not this time!

Waaah!  I HATES me some Captain Bram!

Adam Underfoot (unnatural20) says: Captain Bram is a tiny, tiny man.
And (fourth?)ing what Terry and Mike and Mr. Burns said the other day; there is more than a passing resemblance to cartoonist Howard Taylor, in his bearded period.
Has anyone asked Mr. Taylor what he thinks?
Shaenon Garrity (shaenongarrity) says:

Howard Taylor? Really? Huh.
Richard Wendling (misterflames) says:

Having met Howard Tayler (even having him over for dinner in my home!) I would shrug at the resemblence, myself.  Howard's average in height, although on the shorter end of the scale.  If Shaennon were trying for the resemblence, she'd need to add the big honkin' boots that he loves, which incidentally add another inch or two. 

 I could see Howard as a Mad Scientist, though.  But he'd need Fiddly-Bits in his gear.  

Richard Wendling (misterflames) says:

Heh...  spelled Howard's name right, and misspelled Shaenon's.  Color me amused. 

 I posted this to the relevant Live Journal community, though, so other Schlockers may come to visit.  Watch out for the thirty-inch sniper rifles, they have quite the kick.  

Mike Kozar (mikekozar) says:

Captain Bram: You WILL recognise the Genetically-engineered Super Battle Dog as a registrable breed! 


I'd follow him to Hell and back, I would!  *Salutes the Cap'n*

Terry Volkirch (terry) says:

I think the drawing of baby Sweetheart at the end of the fourth strip is adorable. Puppies are so cute!

I say Sweetheart's cuteness power overcomes the dark humor. :)

Heal, Cuddles! Heal!! (that's for Joyce's dog)

Rob (rrreed) says: I, for one, welcome our new genetically-engineered super battle dog overlords!
Cat Bascle (mage_cat) says: This explains the purebreed-style names all the dogs have.  Captain Bram saw them as purebreeds and that's what matters name-wise.
Nate Cull (natecull) says:

 (Tune: "Yankee Doodle")

Stupid Yankee Kennel Club
They dared to call ME crazy
Struck me from their mailing list
They'll soon be pushing daisies!

Alaska will be first to fall
My battle dogs will crush them
Like a metric ton of... bagels...
... mmm, bagels...

Labradoodles, Cockapoos
Daschadors and Dorgis
Jugs and Brugs and Jack-a-Pugs
And all the Queen's own Corgis

Lesser breeds shall fear the name
Of Captain Bram's creations
Fiercer than Chihuahuas
And cuter than Alsatians!


Ed Gedeon (eddurd) says:

Very good, Nate!  And keeping with the patriotic theme ...

(TUNE: "Grand Old Flag", George M. Cohan)

You're a brand new breed!
Oh, you are, yes indeed,
But ignored by the damn A.K.C.!
Oh, I'll make them pay!
They'll rue they day,
Those fools, when they all laughed at me!

Soon will come the day
When the whole U.S.A.
Will be conquered with strength and speed!
On that fateful hour,
They'll feel the pow'r
Of my brand new transgenic breed!

Tiff Hudson (tiff_hudson) says:

Ah! Now it all makes sense - the breeder-style names, the insanity, the "fools at the institute", ...

"Oh! The caninity!"

My dog-breeder friends tell me that the fictional characters in Best In Show are no where NEAR as whack as the real thing.

Tiff Hudson (tiff_hudson) says: That quote from the AKC does sound a little like the rejection message I got from Tolkien Estate... Heh heh heh
Johnn Reynolds (sleepyjohn) says: It's the Science Diet thing, isn't it, Captain?
Maricruz Villalobos-Zamora (maki_p) says:

They should've recognize his breed, it totally is! And I do like the Captain, reminds me of Helen Narbon; they have so much in common down to a favorite animal!

Rob (rrreed) says: If becoming a "mad scientist" has a genetic component in this strip as it had in Narbonic, could the Captain have spliced it into his creations? He could even have done it inadvertently if he used himself as a gene donor. Sweetheart and her kin could be ticking time bombs.

And one may have already go…SQUIRREL!
Joyce Melton (halfelven) says: No wonder the dogs finally ate Captain Bram, he looks like an evil, balding marmot.
Andrew Kunz (miyaa) says: He SQUIRRELed himself? How?
Tiff Hudson (tiff_hudson) says: Remember how Sweetheart "squirreled" (HOLY GEEZ THERE'S A DOG IN THAT CAR!)? Now imagine she was driving and did that. If a mad scientist SQUIRRELS in the middle of doing something dangerous, the results could be spectacularly fatal. Imagine if Agatha Heterodyne SQUIRRELED in the middle of building a death ray...
Lee-Anne Phillips (lioness) says: Now it all makes sense. Dog show people are capable of anything.
Richard Wendling (misterflames) says:

A puzzler, though.  Captain Bram is Canadian, right?  So why should he care about those damned Yankees when he can just go to the obviously superior Canadian Kennel Club and get the Genetically-Engineered Super Battle Dog registered as a breed, then move on to the original Kennel Club in the UK?

 I'm just guessing the bagels weren't as good.  

 Oh, Howard Tayler noted there is a strong resemblence, and since he has met Shaenon, the trick is possible.  

Terry Smith (wcfan) says: Ah - spoken like a Yank. What you don't understand is that Canada is a farm team for the USA. No Canadian is anything until the Americans say so. Even Gretzky wound up there.
Mark H- (eyeharvester) says:

In panel three... that a microphone, or an ice cream cone? 

Rob (rrreed) says: It's the ball handle of the Captain's walking stick (cane), seen in panel 1. He's resting both hands on it in panel 4.
Shaenon Garrity (shaenongarrity) says:

Howard Taylor isn't fat.
Richard Wendling (misterflames) says:

No, Howard's not.  He's heavier than he'd like to be, at times, but he's nowhere near fat. 

 And telling Canadians that they're just the minors to the States is fightin' words to many of them.  And they'll happily tell you of the time 'they' burned the White House down, too.  

 They're just so cute when they're indignant, how could we ever stay mad at them? 

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The education bestowed on Shaenon K. Garrity by her parents had been expensive, athletic and prolonged. ... full profile