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Smithson Thus Far... ·

Kay Gilbert (kaygilbert) says:

I like Ed's holiday-theme idea, so here's a filk of "O little town of Bethlehem"

Infectious sophont of terror and unliving life
Otherwise known as Cypress, she was never Peyrehorade's wife
Now Phoebe's bugging Skin Horse, she needs intelligence
But can she deal with Unity, the revenant übermench?

Viktor Dosk (hugin) says:

Revenant Ubermensch yes, Grim no. Phoebe doesn't realize what she's dealing with here, and by the time she does, Unity will have a new kneecap. 

Ed Gedeon (eddurd) says:

(TUNE: "It's Beginning To Look A Lot Like Christmas", Meredith Willson)

She's a revenant who is grim and deadly,
Ubermensch undead!
She's as dangerous as can be,
She once ate an SUV,
(At least that's what the folks at Central said ...)
But today, she is acting nice and cheery,
Smiling bright as dawn!
There's not even a trace of frown ...
Now, no talking, keep it down
When "iCarly"'s on!

There's a sophont of terror who's living out there (or
At least that's what they say)
Getting cookies and tea would, for Unity, be
Just the high point of her day ...
But kissing Remy on the nose
Just blew that all away!

She's a revenant who is weird and wacky,
What to make of that?
She went out to the swamp and back,
She gave a cute guy a smack,
And look at this, she got a brand-new hat!
She's a revenant who is patched together,
Made of folks' remains ...
If she finds out that I'm a spy,
Then I'll have to say good-bye
'Cause she'll eat my brains ...
'Cause she'll eat ... my ... brains!

David Harmon (mental_mouse) says:

Clearly Unity hasn't had a chance to show off her new spare parts!  And why shouldn't the monsters have fun together?

I wonder if this interfering CIA agent is what eventually gets the swamp... angry.

Lady Asphodel (ladyasphodel) says:

Wait. Infectious? Is that why Unity's acting funny?

Andrew Kunz (ampersand888) says:

Unity isn't infectious. iCarly is infectious.

Michael Brewer (wusemajor) says:

I'm curious if it actually is a Class A Threat to Humanity or not.  I mean, technically, Unity probably also fits into that category, but they're not after her.  What's so dangerous about the Swamp?

Andrew Kunz (ampersand888) says:

Tip's superpower strikes again! Even when she go in not wanting to do Tip, she ends up wanting to do Tip. That has to be worth at least a Class D Threat to Humanity.

Rob (rrreed) says: Mind you, the "Class A Threat to Humanity" could be Gavotte.

Just sayin'…
Paul K (mnementh) says:

@ wusemajor -

You mean aside from a bazillion gators, a bazillion poisonous OTHER reptiles, a bazillion kinds of poisonous bugs and plants and the Deliverance Banjo Boy?


Oh... and don't forget the psychic residue of generations of faith so powerful it successfully combined Hatian-born Voodo with Catholicism...

Kirt Dankmyer (xiombarg) says:


And remember, isn't this in essence a flashback? Unity woke up in the swamp, right? We know it's dangerous, after all. Tho, admittedly, "how" it's dangerous is still a question.

M. Alan Thomas II (crazydreamer) says:

A Threat to Humans, yes. A Threat to Humanity, I'm a little less certain about; it depends on just how "infectious" this thing is. I mean, if it's confined to the swamp, then that's not exactly safe even when it's not intelligent, and we're smart enough to keep out either way.

Pandora Caitiff (pandora_c) says:

@rrreed - Class "B" surely? ;-)

Rob (rrreed) says: :: rimshot ::
Ed Gedeon (eddurd) says:

(TUNE: "I'll Be Home For Christmas", Kim Gannon and Walter Kent)

I'm not doing Dennis!
My first plan, you see,
Was to get
This Class A Threat
To all humanity!

I will get the info,
Though it takes all night!
I'm not doing Dennis ...
(But then again, I might!)

Johnn Reynolds (sleepyjohn) says:

You're hot, so Tip will do you.

You're also warm, so Unity will do your brains.

John Campbell (jcampbel) says: I suspect "Central" is Anasigma Central. Remember, the guys who vaporized Dr. Lee's underwear drawer? And you'd think they'd know better than to send hot women after Tip. It's like trying to defeat Aquaman with Summon Bigger Fish.
Diane Castle (deecee) says:

I'm more concerned about the Class AAA threat to humanity posed by battery spam.

Dieter M. (tangerine) says:

This is NOT the second to last place I'd expect to see a Darths & Droids reference.


So:  Who is the Class A Threat to Humanity?  I'm going to say it's Sir Not-Appeared-Yet-In-This-Story.

Tom Powell (top1950) says:

@tangerine:  He's my favorite!

Michael Brewer (wusemajor) says:

It's worth noting that I admit the possibility that the Swamp is very dangerous.  I just think that we've seen little to no reason to regard it as being more dangerous to human life as a whole than, say, any other member of the cast.

That said, thinking about it, I do seem to recall some mentions of wish granting powers.

Viktor Dosk (hugin) says:

She had sex with her target, never saw the swamp, then packed up her surveillance equipment and left. Sounds like Skin Horse was successful and she wasn't to me. Pretty damn crack team. 

Ed Gedeon (eddurd) says:

(TUNE: "It's The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year", Eddie Pola and George Wyle)

No, I won't go see the Cypress, though near!
It's got gators and fishes,
And grants people's wishes
(Though how is unclear ...)
No, I won't go see the Cypress, though near!

I'll just pack up my electronic gear ...
Yes, I'm cutting my losses
And telling my bosses
There's nothing to fear ...
I'll just pack up my electronic gear ...

I won't go bayou wading;
I'd best be evading
Those crack agents out of D.C.!
I'll check out of this lodge now,
And get out of Dodge now
Before something happens to me!

Though that cute bishonen guy was a dear ...
'Tween my boobs I could squish him
And use them to wish him
A Happy New Year ...
For that cute bishonen guy,
Who licked jam off of my thigh ...
But I won't go see the Cypress, though near!

Glenn Gorsuch (glenn) says:

Oh, Ed!  That was...words fail me.  Well, except that I'm wondering HOW I'm supposed to explain the odd little smile to my family that I'll have when the CD player is going through the Christmas music.

Ysabet Just Ysabet (theysabet) says:

Shame she'll miss the muffalettas (hur hur hur.)

Andrew Kunz (ampersand888) says:

I didn't think anyone could ruin Andy William's version of The Most Wonderful Time. (Well, other than Branson. I live near the area. It's like a redneck version of Dagobah.) Clearly, Ed is the master.

Ed Gedeon (eddurd) says:

If I'm the Master, does that make Shaenon the Doctor?  (OK, now I'm picturing Shaenon as the fourth Doctor, and Andrew as Leela ...)

John Breckenridge (jbrecken) says:

(TUNE: "O Christmas Tree")

O U-ni-ty, O U-ni-ty,
you've met some real tough grandmas!
O U-ni-ty, O U-ni-ty,
you've met some real tough grandmas!

Don't care 'bout Phoebe planting bugs,
you'd rather give morticians hugs.

O U-ni-ty, O U-ni-ty,
I hope they bring you cookies.



Brandon Gorley (bowtothebard) says:

Oddly, Tip and Phoebe are about the least crack pairing you could make with the Skin Horse cast.

Michael Brewer (wusemajor) says:

So, she works for Anasigma then.


.....Also, since when was having made Unity ever a good thing?

Paul Lenoue (palenoue) says:

Remember this important lesson, children: when the zombie apocalypse occurs, distract the hungry undead with lolcats and loldogs.

Kay Gilbert (kaygilbert) says:

tune: The Hallelujah Chorus from The Messiah (George Frideric Handel, 1742)
Anasigma! Anasigma! Anasigma! Anasigma! Anasigma!
Anasigma! Anasigma! Anasigma! Anasigma! Anasigma!
For Phoebe is a spy who was sent by Anasigma! Anasigma! Anasigma! Anasigma!
For Phoebe is a spy who was sent by Anasigma! Anasigma! Anasigma! Anasigma!
For Phoebe is a spy who was sent by Anasigma! Anasigma!
For Phoebe is a spy who was sent by Anasigma! Anasigma!
For Phoebe is a spy who was sent by Anasigma!
Her longing to confess
Is just lost on the ADOS
The short attention span
Of Unity!  Of Unity!
And she shall watch a dog-food commercial
And she shall watch a dog-food commercial
And she shall watch a dog-food commercial
And she shall watch a dog-food commercial
Unity (not listening, not listening, ADOS, ADOS)
To poor Phoebe (sweat glistening, sweat glistening, save the drama for your mama)
Unity (Doctor Lee made her gnarly, only cares about iCarly)
And poor Phoebe (won't do Tip on this trip, she feels dirty 'stead of flirty)
Unity (she's happy with Remy, sees no danger from this stranger)
And poor Phoebe
Unity ignores Phoebe
Anasigma! Anasigma! Anasigma! Anasigma!

Ed Gedeon (eddurd) says:

@Kay: very nicely done!  The only nit I'd pick is that "Hallelujah" is from the later part of Messiah, which is about Easter instead of Christmas.  Maybe you could do something for Unity along the lines of "For Unto Us a Child is Built."

(TUNE: "Santa Baby", Javits, Springer, & Ebb)

Secret-est of secret black ops,
They're tops,
They're not spies and not cops!
They said to spy on Skin Horse today!

The project that resulted in you
Fell through;
Didn't know what to do,
And so they sent you Skin Horse's way!

They sent me to plant this bug!
There's another underneath the bathroom rug!
Though I hate my task to shirk,
I'm tired of doing their dirty work!
(I'm such a jerk!)

I try to leave dra-ma-ti-cal-ly,
But gee!
You were watching TV!
A rotten way of earning one's pay!

Tiff Hudson (tiff_hudson) says:


Mason Kramer (masonk) says:

Ed: Perhaps so, but it's also an annual tradition for the chorus at Christmastime. Every year our local churches (13 of them) put on a concert where each choir contributes, and at the end we let our powers combine and belt that thing out.

Rachel S. (masamage) says:

And Joy to the World is supposed to be about the Second Coming. But yeah, tradition. :)

Nice work, guys!

Mike Kozar (mikekozar) says:

@Ed:  That's gonna be stuck in my head.  :)  well done!

Kay Gilbert (kaygilbert) says:

Ed, as an atheist, I'm kind of like the Hallelujah Chorus: I show up to celebrate Christmas, whether or not I belong there.  But I haven't spent all those years at sing-along Messiahs for nothing, so here's "For unto us a child is born"

I hate my job, I'm gonna quit
I'm a spy, and I feel dirty
Not the good Tip kind of dirty
I should confess to Unity
And exit dramatically
But she's not paying attention
To the bug that I just mentioned
I don't believe this Skin Horse team
Is like the briefing made them seem
Doctor Lee exaggerated
'Bout the zombie she created
Hate my job (hate my job) let's blow this pop-stand (blow this pop-stand )
But they pay me well to work for Anasigma
And they're on my résumé, now that's a stigma
Yes they pay me well to work for Anasigma
And I would have to give up
Dental care!
Accrued sick leave!
My 401K's vested!
Ah, hell, I'll stay

Diane Castle (deecee) says:

@Kay: Wow!  Nice work!  (Both of them.)

And for those who do not know what ADOS is, I recommend you go to TV Tropes and look up 'Attention Deficit Ooh Shiny'.

Mason Kramer (masonk) says:

Ahhhh! Deecee, you should never recommend TV Tropes! Especially when AD is involved! I'll lose my whole--I mean, some people will lose their whole afternoon!

Cesario VIola (cesarioviola) says:

So does this mean I should go add Phoebe to the teeny people thing?

Mason Kramer (masonk) says:

I hate it when that happens.

Rob (rrreed) says: You'd think he'd have learned to strap them down by now…
woozy (woozy) says:

>>I hate it when that happens.

Well, I've been lucky.  It hasn't happened to me very often at all.

M. Alan Thomas II (crazydreamer) says:

Ah, now we get to the "infectious" part, I take it?

Kirt Dankmyer (xiombarg) says:

So, this dude's life is a cheerier version of Cemetery Man.

Andrew Kunz (ampersand888) says:

If this weren't Christmas week I could totally see a filk of Rocket Man here. And we've probably already used Rocket Man. (Seriously, are we running out of music to filk yet?)

Ed Gedeon (eddurd) says:

@Andrew: Yes, in fact I used "Rocket Man" three times in the space of about six weeks.  That was when I started keeping track of what songs I've used, and when.  I still have a few dozen tunes in the "not used yet" file.

Remember the start of "A Charlie Brown Christmas", when the kids are all skating and singing?  Here you go, then ...

(TUNE: "Christmastime Is Here", Vince Guaraldi)

Remy's time to work,
Where the shadows lurk ...
Mrs. May
Can't stay today,
And Remy just says "Erk?"

See the zombie rise,
With her glassy eyes ...
Creature will
Just not stay still
No matter how he tries!

  Shuffling 'cross the floor,
  Like the ones before ...
  Down the hall,
  And through the wall;
  Why can't they use the door??

Hear her moans of pain,
Hungers for a brain!
Remy sighs
And rolls his eyes,
"Well, here we go again ..."

Sam Daniel (samhdaniel) says:

Another new friend for Unity?

woozy (woozy) says:

So the question is, does Remy's "again" refer to many of the dead getting up and stomping about, or just that Mrs. May keeps getting up and stomping about.

Now I expect to see the fox hat move and talk before the new year!  And turning into a zombie fox hat DOES NOT COUNT!


Dieter M. (tangerine) says:

Okay, so maybe the swamp dealy-o is, indeed, a Class AAA Threat to Humanity.  Who'd have thunk it?

woozy (woozy) says:

Awww, Unity got her Christmas wish!

Paul K (mnementh) says:

Dead. And lo-oving it.


Life is just a state of denial...

Euel Ball (euel) says:

We are going to see hot zombie versus zombie action.  Then again, even though she's made up of other people's body parts, Unity's more alive than most breathing people...

Ed Gedeon (eddurd) says:

(TUNE: "White Christmas", Irving Berlin)

We're screaming, 'cause we're night zombies ...
Human does not know what to do!
Now our eyes are glowing,
Because we're going
To make him a zombie too!

We're screaming, 'cause we're night zombies ...
We'll play with our new human toy!
Though we can't see Unity's joy,
'Cause she got a phone call from a boy!

John Sears (john_sears) says:


This new turn of events is quite disturbing from a Zombie Rights perspective.  The last thing we need is Intra-community conflict.

Dave Estep (cyaegha) says:

 Oh, Remy... such potential for true horror undone by slow zombies.

Ysabet Just Ysabet (theysabet) says:

Huh; zombies... and not the in-the-glass-with-a-straw variety.  Well, it IS New Orleans; it was bound to happen sooner or later.

woozy (woozy) says:

Filking it hard.

I thought about doing a filk to Tom Lehrer's christmas song an got:

Unity got a call from Remy
It was sweet the way he hawed and hemmed, he
made her feel all soft and femmy
Brother, she was way off base!

That one verse took me a long time and then I couldn't get any further.

When it comes to filking, I am way out of my depth.

Tom Powell (top1950) says:

Um, Unity, I think you'd better delve into that call just a little deeper.  I realize you're in an unusually cheerful mood, but I believe your boy caller just might be needing some help!

Tom Powell (top1950) says:

PS:  Shaenon & Jeffery:  Thanks for giving us a new toon, even on "Christmas Day."  Talk about going above and beyond!  You guys RULE!

Rachel Blackman (rainpacket) says:

Zombies Rise

(To the tune of "Jingle Bells") 


Lurching through the rooms,

Seeking living brains,

Perhaps you want to work

Somewhere with less remains?

You'll try to call for help,

But your zombie's got no clue.

So now the mortuary's ours,

And our attention is on you!


Zombie march! Zombie march!

See us lurch and grunt!

While Gary there eats your cellphone,

We'll begin our hunt, oh!

Zombie march! Zombie march!

New Orleans will soon fall,

And all because that zombie friend of yours

mis-inter-pret-ed your call!



John Sears (john_sears) says:

Now now everyone.  This is New Orleans, there's no reason to believe that Zombies there would eat brains.

(Which is mostly a harmful stereotype from a 1985 movie anyway.)


Derek Burrow (derekthebard) says:

Its not like they've filed any memos yet to that effect, at least.

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The education bestowed on Shaenon K. Garrity by her parents had been expensive, athletic and prolonged. ... full profile