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Smithson Thus Far... ·

Kay Gilbert (kaygilbert) says:

Or, as Cyrano de Bergerac said, "there is something still that will always be mine, and when I go to God's presence, there I'll doff it and sweep the heavenly pavement with a gesture — something I'll take unstained out of this world... my panache."

Jared Anderson (the_shrike) says:

Odds of Tip turning up....reasonably high. That said, taunting the guy who's going to kill you may not be the smartest idea, even if you do have nothing to lose.

Matt Willtrout (furbearntrout) says:

On the other hand, making the tiger who is about to eat you sick to his stomach is a stroke of genius. Gross jokes another weapon in the arsenal of the well prepared genius.

Shaenon Garrity (shaenongarrity) says:

I...I'm sorry. This is all my fault. Jeff is totally innocent here.
dexitroboper (dexitroboper) says:

No one is innocent when there are knob jokes.

Ed Gedeon (eddurd) says:

Alternative strategy:  change to small form, then when H.T. pounces, jump into his open mouth, avoid his teeth, dive down his throat to his stomach ... and change back to full-size.

Enjoy your breakfast, folks!

(TUNE: "Beat It", Michael Jackson)

Here comes a tiger who is loaded with hate!
He says that I belong upon a dinner plate!
He found a good way to win a debate,
He'll eat me!  Just eat me!
H.T., I'm warning you, I simply must say
That you won't get away with this!  (Although you may ...)
Forgive me for that old and boring cliche,
Just eat me!
Better do it right now ...

Just eat me!  Eat me!
In a fight, you can defeat me!
Bad situation, bad as it gets!
My last quotation: "I've no regrets!"
You'll eat me!  Eat me!
Swallow and digest completely!
Less than a mouthful, less than a bite ...
(That doesn't match what Tip said last night!)
So eat me!
(Later you'll excrete me!)

vicka corey (drbrain) says:

artie's looking and sounding a bit like mom...

joe dreyfuss (jdreyfuss) says: Maybe it's a verbal feint. While HT is confused or disgusted, Artie will make his move.
Kayla Hayes (katrika) says:

Haha, somehow I doubt H.T. knows that Archie has two mad scientists and one highly cunning weapon nut that'd be pissed if he died.


I'm going to have to try filk songs or poems sometime, if nobody minds.

John Campbell (jcampbel) says:

Artie is taunting the guy who's threatening to eat him. As a result, the guy is still threatening and not eating. Sounds like a pretty good strategy to me.

("There is no one on the side of evil that this doesn't work on.")

Ysabet Just Ysabet (theysabet) says:

**totally 12-year-old-level laughter here**  Y'all just made my Monday better. How many people can say that? Kick 'em in the nadgers, Artie!

Jon Stout (brasswatchman) says: Yeesh. Do you think that HT has any idea the kind of forces he's dealing with? I mean, Mell *alone*...
Andrew Kunz (ampersand888) says:

TMI, Shanneon. TMI.

Eric Stromberg (kiritheunicorn) says:

@katrika: It gets worse. IIRC, that cunning weapons nut is now...A LAWYER.



Kay Gilbert (kaygilbert) says:

@Andrew: Not nearly enough information.  And I want pictures!

Lady Asphodel (ladyasphodel) says:

I think I'm with Kay on this one.

So It Begins (soitbegins) says: Now all Artie needs is to say "kiddo" from time to time. He's got the manipulative-verbal schtick down.
Philip Cohen (treesong2) says:

If Artie can bench-press an automobile, he's not in much danger, even if he did break into a sweat when tackled. I suspect he's just playing with H.T. Naughty little mouse.

Mary Potts (queenofcapes) says:

Okay, I have seen many documentaries on this sort of thing, and I know how Artie can get out of this situation.  Does he have access to an anvil, an over-sized mallet, or dynamite?

Mary Potts (queenofcapes) says:

*Looks up Muliebrity*.  Holy Cow, that puts a different spin on Artie's "imprinting" comment from earlier (and by extension, last Thursday's strip).   I---I don't know who I'm shipping now! D:  

Frank (pokefan_frank) says: Ship Artie. In a box. To Alaska. I always did think H.T. moved funny, and that's not a specieist comment.
Michael Brewer (wusemajor) says:

............Is he saying that Sweetheart is gay?  Or did I get the wrong definition?

JP Chabot (speedball) says:

"Feminine qualities?" So, Sweetie prefers human women, huh? Not too surprising; I had a dog that preferred the company of women to men too.

Kay Gilbert (kaygilbert) says:

If I were Artie, I'd use my superintelligence to hypnotize H.T. into seeing me as a fat baby, so his conscience wouldn't allow him to eat me.  Then I'd take him out for steak and ice cream, and we'd discuss our differences like civilized carnivores.

woozy (woozy) says:

I'm sort of wondering if yesterday's comment "that's the opposite of what Tip said" is meant to be more than a "that's not what she said" joke which is beneath Artie's humor.

Don't know what he means by Muliebrity but it does make me wonder why Virility is a household word but Muliebrity isn't.

Shane Wegner (shanewegner) says:

I don't think tigers have a problem with eating babies. Humans like Veal, right?

Is "Snkt!" a Wolverine reference? IT HAS TO BE!

I feel like RT's just toying with HT somehow. HT vs RT!!

woozy (woozy) says:

>>I don't think tigers have a problem with eating babies. Humans like Veal, right?

*sigh*  Not and Oz fan, are you?  I always liked Oz.  I'm kind of square that way.

Okay, if you didn't get the Hungry Tiger/"fat baby" reference you won't get the woozy/square reference.  But hope springs eternal.

woozy (woozy) says:

Oh, sigh.

I know I shouldn't double post but I just have to say:

H.T. is a bad beast, but a very good tiger.

M. Alan Thomas II (crazydreamer) says:

He could just be saying that Sweetheart likes feminine males. I mean, as Tip proves, this isn't a purely binary subject.

Ed Gedeon (eddurd) says:

(TUNE: "Mary Jane's Last Dance", Tom Petty)

He was built in a scientific lab,
Had a high I.Q. and impressive vocab ...
Then they made him human, see him there,
Genius in his head and dreadlocks in his hair ...
Well, he went to Cleveland, Transgenetic Con;
Told H.T., "I know what's going on!"
Tiger tricked Sweetheart with virility;
Artie says there was a better strategy ...

     Use muliebirty!
     That's what Artie told H.T.!
     It means "acting feminine"
     (Artie's stalling for time again!)

Well, he's not sure, but he will bet,
As long as he talks, he doesn't get et!
Listen to the tiger, listen to him rant!
Only chance is to be a pedant!
Give him lip!  Give him sass!
Keep on being a pompous ass!
Tiger above, gerbil underneath,
Artie will escape by the skin of his teeth!
     (repeat CHORUS)

Ed Gedeon (eddurd) says:

BTW, is anyone else having trouble getting into the forums?  I keep getting a "general error".

Andrew Kunz (ampersand888) says:

Muliebrity, the new fragrance from Christian Dior!

Michael Kimmitt (punditusmaximus) says: I had to look that one up. Nice.
Jeffrey Channing Wells (channing) says: Do you know how long it's taken me to find a perfect place to use that word? It's taken me SIX AND A HALF FREAKING YEARS.
Diane Castle (deecee) says:

@Jeff: Hmm.  It took me less than two years to find the perfect place to use propaedeutic in a story.

Andrew Kunz (ampersand888) says:

I had no idea HT was a girl.

Jeffrey Channing Wells (channing) says:

@ed: Forums are a no-go on my end as well.  Looks like Free-forums is having some difficulty.

Philip Cohen (treesong2) says:



Yohannon (just Yohannon) (yohannon) says:

>*sigh*  Not and Oz fan, are you?  I always liked Oz.  I'm kind of square that way.

Woozy: I finally got my login info reset just so I could groan at you for that one. Extrapoints if you did it subconsciously.

Ed: I almost got the login fixed sooner just to tell you that your suggestion yesterday made me and the 3 other people I was with go "Ooooooo! EVIL!!". There was then much discussion comparing the possible effects of said evil-ness to microwave pop-corn, with HT as the kernel. I suppose that would make Artie the fluffy white salty buttery goodness that ensued... at least, after a good shower. And scrubbing. And... ahem, what was I saying?


Oh yeah! "First time poster, long time reader..."

JP Chabot (speedball) says:

Cutting it a bit close, aren't you, Artie?

David Toboz (professor_zobot) says:

...everything we knew was wrong.

Andrew Kunz (ampersand888) says:

And Tip prefers fashion, Unity prefers violence (not violins) and Nick prefers levelling up his level 75 Dranei Druid.

Viktor Dosk (hugin) says: Eh, maybe. But it seems unlikely. Her previous relationships don't exclude the possibility, but she was clearly sexually attracted to Wolf!Tip.
Mark Temple (mithril) says:

this could just be artie playing the "super-genius" card, saying just the right thing to throw him offbalance..

Cat Bascle (mage_cat) says:

@ hugin: That doesn't mean much. Remember the first few strips of this week?

(I never got a handle on doing much with this interface. I hope the link works.)

K. Myers (bassetking) says:

Or it could explain her... shall we say, confusion, regarding Tip in human form. We've seen that other sapient non-humans retain traits inherant to their original genetic identity; Nimue's mynah-related distaste for beards and hats, for example. Tip, visually, olfactorally, in pretty much every aspect behind canine identification, triggers the "Female" response. That he is not, and that Sweetheart knows this, and yet still responds to the information her senses provide to her, could go a long way to explain our grumpy-puppy's confusion.

rick smith (ricman) says:

 i think he is telling the truth as for sweethearts attraction to tip i think everyones attracted to tip even the lesbian from the mud wrestling strip

vicka corey (drbrain) says:

i still don't think sweetheart's attracted to tip.  tigerlily wasn't, and iirc she's a dyke.

i don't know who sweetheart's attracted to, though far be it from me to argue with the likes of mensa rat.  but if he were saying this for rhetorical purposes, it's still quite the sentence :)

Michael Brewer (wusemajor) says:

Interesting.  I really wouldn't have pegged her as Gay.

Of course, like you say, Artie could be trying to scam him.  Personally, I wouldn't be trying to kill Artie simply because his Mother is quite possibly scarrier than her Mother.

James Henderson (cgreylore) says:

Considering her Mother is a wiredoll...not hard to believe that helen Narbon is VERY much Scarier. As for Sweetheart's sexuality?  anyone ever gronk to the passages of her Goblin Romance novels that strike ehr best interest??

A Cosper (queenofzan) says:

Well, there is after all a world of difference between the sentences "Sweetheart prefers girls" and "Sweetheart only likes girls".  Preferring girls doesn't mean you don't like the odd male were-human.

Ed Gedeon (eddurd) says:

(TUNE: "Let Me Call You Sweetheart", Whitson & Friedman)

Artie's never quite been this
Close to death!
H.T. says he's down to his
Fin-al breath!
As the cat prepares to nom,
Artie's staying cool and calm;
Goes and drops a verbal bomb
On him then ...

    Girls appeal to Sweetheart, so much more than men!
    That's her inclination, since I don't know when!
    Her romantic feelings are beyond all ken ...
    Girls appeal to Sweetheart!  (Also girly men!)

Daibhid Ceannaideach (daibhidc) says:

As ricman says, Greta seemed to be as attracted to human!Tip as Sweetheart was to wolf!Tip, and she's not just gay, but so gay she broke the Kinsey scale.

Carl Fishman (carlfishman) says:

HT isn't thinking this through.  Even if Artie is telling the truth (on which topic I withold judgement) it still makes sense to kill Artie!  Partly because he Knows Too Much, of course, and mostly because he's a smug, self-satisfied, tiresome ass.

Dieter M. (tangerine) says:

Okay, where's the strip where it was strongly hinted that Sweetheart was imprinted on UNITY ?


Note that "it could never work out" with Buddy.



David Harmon (mental_mouse) says: The other question, of course, is who else has been listening to H.T.'s lengthy exposition of his plans?
Grant McCormick (grantcmccormick) says:

@carlfisnman: Carl, you're not thinking this through.

This is the gerbil that predicted over a week in advance (although he did end up one day-of-the-week off on the punchline).  He's giving HT a chance to back off before the tiger crosses the point of no return.

As to your assessment of Artie's personality:  Well, so?

Jon Stout (brasswatchman) says: Wait... but that doesn't make sense... If that's the case, why's she so jealous of Tip?
Jon Stout (brasswatchman) says: @Dieter - Well, yes, but keep in mind, this is *Buddy* we're talking about.
Carl Fishman (carlfishman) says:

@Grant;  As I recall that sequence, it came to a bad end for Artie when he tried the trick on Mell.  Whether because her level of agression was beyond his ability to predict, or because predicting it didn't suggest a way to escape it.  Either way, it suggests that reacting to his manipulations with naked agression is a better strategy than trying to outwit him.  

To put it another way; it seems unlikely that Artie's strategy involves him being killed an eaten.  (Maybe once it might have, but he's a lot happier (smugger) now.)  So if you do that, you're not doing what he wants you to do.  Which I'd call a win.

(See also the Conneticut Yankee's comments about the world's greatest swordsman, and who he has to worry about.  General maxim; if you're up against the best, don't play their game!)

James Henderson (cgreylore) says:

@Jon Stout, Perhaps because Tip is so comfortable at being who he is? Even if that changes sudenly he stil lseemed very clear abpout who and what he was and was at peace with it. speaking as someone who has been there done that with his own lifestyle, It's a huge comfort, and a lot of people can't claim to have that comfort. It causes jealousy.

vicka corey (drbrain) says:

i don't think greta is necessarily attracted to tip.  she wanted to watch tip and konstantin mud-wrestle, but that's not exactly the same thing :)

Norman Thallheimer (normanrt) says:

If Artie can keep this up long enough, HT will turn into butter before he gets around to tackling Artie.

Now why does that make me hungry for pancakes?

Bruce Bergman (brucebergman) says:

Norman: You do know the Original - and Last - "Sambo's Restaurant" is still in Santa Barbara CA, right?  Now owned and operated by the son of one of the founders. 


Almost None of the Kitch Tiger Decor, that's something they invented for the chain restaurants.

Mark SHANKS (drhistory) says:

...well, at least HT won't have to suffer through Tip's hand puppets...

Kay Gilbert (kaygilbert) says:

If Artie's not executing a brilliant ploy here, then he's the one in denial.  I like it that H.T. is so meta and self-aware.  He's almost a one-tiger Greek chorus.  I'll feel a little bad if he doesn't get to eat Artie.

Ed Gedeon (eddurd) says:

(TUNE: "Til I Kissed You", The Everly Brothers)

Sweetheart's in denial 'cause she has issues!
Guys just aren't her style 'cause she has issues!
Pardon if I get graphic,
She prefers love that's sapphic!
All your charm, she'll resist, 'cause she has issues!
(Uh-huh ... has issues ... oh yeah ...)

Guys, she thinks they're jerks, 'cause she has issues!
Mu-li-e-bri-ty works,  'cause she has issues!
Teach the old girl new tricks now,
She's Kinsey Five or Six now!
Needs a psychoanalyst, 'cause she has issues!
(Uh-huh ... has issues ... oh yeah ...)

She gets more romantic when around a girl ...
Makes her tail get frantic, makes her toesies curl!
Ooh, she doesn't want a guy now!
Chromosome Y, good-bye now!
Lookin' for distaff bliss, 'cause she has issues!
(Uh-huh ... has issues ... oh yeah ... has issues ... uh-huh ...)

vicka corey (drbrain) says:

i wonder if artie has therapy puppets of his own?

P. Ipsum (vitupera) says:

I'd like to think, from this and Leo's example, that by extension the secret lever of all webcomic creators is psychoanalysis.

So, Shaenon, Jeffrey, tell us about your childhoods!

Andrew Kunz (ampersand888) says:

Hominids? Isn't that like those vicious k'nids from Charile and the Great Glass Elevator?

joe dreyfuss (jdreyfuss) says:

I thought the knids were pernicious. Anyway, now I'm just confused about whether Artie actually does believe that about Sweetheart or not.

clark brooks (czark) says:

"vermicious" - vicious, pernicious and worm-shaped. D'oh!

Jeffrey Channing Wells (channing) says: @Pauline A.: Why? HOW ARE YOU PLANNING TO USE THIS KNOWLEDGE AGAINST ME?!?
Andrew Kunz (ampersand888) says:

@Jeffery: Pauline is just trying to figure out if you'd look good in a dress.

Jeffrey Channing Wells (channing) says: @Andrew: I am open-minded enough to presume that there probably is a Venn intersection between "chunky Midwestern white dude" and "looks good in drag", but I fail to see how I would fit into it.
K. Myers (bassetking) says: @Jeffrey In an A-Line, in something off the shoulder; with a lemur brooch.
vicka corey (drbrain) says:

i thought the lick with the little heart seemed sincere too.  it may not have been romantic, but not everything's romantic -- iirc tip thinks of sweetheart as his best friend, which is not romantic at all nor even mutual.

Name not found (codebracker) says: On whose side is Artie anyway? He probably has his own side, since he got promoted from comic relief. Well I'm on his side now. PS: Did he predict this?
vicka corey (drbrain) says:

@channing i don't know what you look like, but i thought the "tip" at arisia's cosplay was pretty fetching!  the little hat probably helped....

(he says he knows you on lj, will send a picture :)

John Doe (john_doe) says: I must admit I'll be disappointed if we never see Dave this storyline. I've been hoping for a glimpse of what he's been up to since I saw Artie.
Yohannon (just Yohannon) (yohannon) says:

@joe dreyfuss: Actually, I believe the knids are alright.

Beach Fox (beachfox) says:

I <3 Artie.

I'd missed him so.

Beach Fox (beachfox) says:

I am also currently loving the hell out of Sweetheart.

Joyce Melton (halfelven) says:

Ah, poor Leo. Let me tell you, good webcomics artists are hard to find.

JP Chabot (speedball) says:

Man, Artie got SMART once he started figuring out how people worked.

rick smith (ricman) says:

like a boss

D. Connolly (theogrin) says:

Sorry, the /card/ comic was titled, in preview, 'artieshowingofflikeabastard'?  Sounds like the name could work for this particular case, too.

Also, yay Sweetheart!

So It Begins (soitbegins) says: In other news, Artie is good at delaying tactics.
joe dreyfuss (jdreyfuss) says:


My God, he's like Wile E. Coyote if he wasn't ineffectual. Artie needs business cards that say "Super-Genius."

Ed Gedeon (eddurd) says:

(TUNE: "Gimme Three Steps", Lynyrd Skynyrd)

I was under the paw
Of a feline outlaw,
Who had thought he charmed the fed!
When he found that his prey
Might by possibly gay,
He said, "Don't mess with my head!
Although I can't beat you,
I'm still gonna eat you!"
I said, "But don't you see ..."
Just then, with raised hackles
And a flying tackle,
Sweetheart came to bust H.T.!

And I saw ...
I was three secs,
I was three whole seconds,
I was three full seconds slow!
Off by three secs,
Off by three full seconds,
But he ain't a threat no mo'!

vicka corey (drbrain) says:

panel 3 has the best expressions evar! :)

Tiff Hudson (tiff_hudson) says:

It doesn't really fit, but I can't help saying 'canis ex machina' (the dog out of the machine). Also, if only 'machine' spelled backwards was a word...or maybe she'll cough up a pocketwatch ('machina ex canis'). That's sorta backwards... kinda...nope. I got nothin'.

Andrew Kunz (ampersand888) says:

What, no "Bad Boys?"

Pete (westrider) says:

I wouldn't say categorically that I called it that Sweetheart's into the ladies, but I was pretty sure for a while that she's been crushing pretty hard on Unity. Nice job setting that up, y'all.

This guy I know (thisguy) says:

Nice to see the Genetically Engineered Canadian Battle Dog in action. It's not every day you see a small dog take out a tiger with a flying tackle! Note that her brain was even able to shake off HT's influence faster than Artie predicted. Captain Bram clearly knew his stuff.

@jdreyfus: His cards DO say that, both in English and the way they let him show off. See the Thursday strip in (hope this link works):

John Ames (commodorejohn) says: Considering the size difference, she packs a whallop.
Diane Castle (deecee) says:

Seriously.  How could anyone think Artie DOESN'T have extensive experience with crazy destructive types?

Norman Thallheimer (normanrt) says:

Oddly enough, i don't think Artie was stretching the truth much.  And if they know either Helen, or Mel, then they know how extensive his experience is.

[shudders dramatically]

Kay Gilbert (kaygilbert) says:

Even H.T. doesn't deserve the Cavern.  Especially H.T.  For me, learning about the Cavern was a little like learning about the house-elf slaves that make Hogwarts run smoothly.

Jared Anderson (the_shrike) says:

Hmm. Yeah, Phill would fit in quite well around the Narbonic crew. Birds of a feather, y'know...

woozy (woozy) says:

Um, why would Sweetheart have any problem with or be at all surprised by Phil's verdict?

Viktor Dosk (hugin) says: Kay, I disagree. HT was going to murder Artie, carried out a terrorist attack, and attempted to frame Phil in a way that would end with Phil dead. IRL that would be decades in prison(life in some states). The transgenics don't have the resources to build prisons and most of them are far more dangerous than a person. The Cavern isn't a good solution, but there's not a good solution to that problem.
So It Begins (soitbegins) says: Oh dears.
vicka corey (drbrain) says:

i wonder if ht will end up mobilizing the cavern population to some horrible plot...

Bob Ulus (bobulus) says:

I realize it's not the point of the story, but part of me really wanted to see our "Super Battle Dog" actually, y'know, battle.


I'm a bit bummed that other than the first foray, it happened all off-camera.


Oh well.

Ed Gedeon (eddurd) says:

(TUNE: "Paranoid", Black Sabbath)

Sentenced to the Cavern for attempted murder is H.T.!
Leo will do public service, helping the community!

Phil's remanded to the custody of Artie, that's no joke!
Artie has experience with crazy and destructive folk!

Phil's assumin' ... Artie's human too!
Oh yeah!

Mynah bird is threatening to poke your eyes out with his nose!
Tip is fully human, can he gain Phil's trust, do you suppose?

This is not unusual,
Transgenics get delusional!
Not quite man, and not quite beast,
Confusing, yes, to say the least!

Someday Phil will see the light, if Tip can find the proper words!
Someday Phil will be all right, but as of now, he's for the birds!

vicka corey (drbrain) says:

and i really wanna know what tip's wearing :)

Brian Petery (ugwump) says:

Reviewing the past week, I just noticed that H.T. has shoulders.  Must be a transgenic trait.

Grant McCormick (grantcmccormick) says:

"Crazy destructive types?"

And not one person mentioned Mell?

For shame!

(And, yes, I realize that "Crazy destructive type" fits everyone in Narbonic with the possible exceptions of ANTONIO SMITH, FORENSIC LINGUIST, and [possibly] Artie himself.  But, still, Mell is Mell!)

Wayne (wayne) says:

@Kay: Speaking of house elves, there's a fanfic called The Book of Dobby where Harry rebuilds a Stuka dive bomber and a Lancaster heavy bomber to go after Moldyvorts.  He enlists the house elves as pilots and gunners.  Sadly, the writer stopped writing anything (as far as I can tell) after three installments.

Rob (rrreed) says: Yes, Artie may be used to dealing with "crazy destructive types", and yes, he may be super-intelligent, but that just means he's best equipped to deal with the fallout of a Mad's schemes. He's not smart enough and he's just too sane to go toe-to-toe with a Mad himself, as Helen proved time and again.
vicka corey (drbrain) says: no doubt fortunately for us all, phil is clearly not that bright :)
K. Myers (bassetking) says: Phil never strafed the planet with a son of a bitch named Mel W. Kelly.
John Campbell (jcampbel) says:

Phil in this strip somehow reminds me of the old joke that ends, "S-s-ss-so what did the ch-ch-ch-chicken do?"

Too bad Artie's vegan.

And, yeah, throwing the evil mastermind into confinement with a bunch of other transgenic criminals and malcontents really doesn't seem like a good idea in the long run.

Shane Wegner (shanewegner) says:

Phil is stark raven' mad.

Dave Corbett (mr_dave) says:

Shane Wegner (shanewegner) says: 

Phil is stark raven' mad.

Phil's not Mad, he's just crazy.

Andrew Kunz (ampersand888) says:

I would love to see what Artie's resume would look like. And how much of it would be listed as "classifed."

Brian Petery (ugwump) says:

Dave Corbett (mr_dave) says:

Shane Wegner (shanewegner) says: 

Phil is stark raven' mad.

Phil's not Mad, he's just crazy.

At least he's not daffy.

John Doe (john_doe) says: WMG: Artie's playing HT like HT played Phil. An anti-human terrorist who faked an attack on the league? How horrible! Certainly makes the anti-human side look bad...
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Shaenon Garrity ||    Forum ·  External Homepage ·  Blog · 

The education bestowed on Shaenon K. Garrity by her parents had been expensive, athletic and prolonged. ... full profile