The Weird Worlds of Pewfell Porfingles by Chuck Whelon with Adam Prosser
 
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Pewfell

Pewfell Porfingles

Possibly the world's worst wizard, certainly it's laziest. Following the destruction of his house in the city, Pewfell has recently moved to the country where he is now manager of the Blotchley-on-Soddon branch of the McLurgi's Magic Shoppe franchise.

Pewfell is an inept, untidy, sarcastic, world-weary, slacker who can guiltlessly spend all weekend on the couch... all week too, probably. Worse, he is quite stingy, and irresponsible, preferring to get others to do his dirty work. As a wizard Pewfell is an abject failure, but he has plenty of excuses and explanations for this. Thus he is able to remain in a blissful state of denial on the subject, believing himself to be one of the world's greatest sorcerers.

On the positive side though, Pewfell does love his wife, kid and cat and tries to take his duties as father & husband seriously. He's intelligent, witty and attempts to keep fit by practicing yoga. Although he has a tendency to run away from a fight, Pewfell is not actually a coward – just practical. He is quite used to facing death and usually does so calmly with a dry and cutting remark. When push comes to shove he will usually end up doing the right thing.

  • Special Abilities: Running Away.
  • Ambition: Write a Novel
  • Thinks Dragons are "cool"
  • Favorite color: beer

Click here to read all about Pewfell's family history, his youth and previous adventures.

Tina

Tina Tinglessen Porfingles

Viking warrior princess, these days Pewfell’s wife is having to learn to cope with the more challenging role of mother and housewife. Pewfell may claim to take orders from nobody but there's no doubt who wears the chainmail in that household.

Formerly a Chief Executive Officer of the Spirekassle Development Corporation, Tina was responsible for the looting of orcish lairs in the Scraper Mountains and routing nests of kobolds in the City protectorates. She served as a wyvern handler first class in the City's volunteer Air Corps defense unit and as an officer in the city watch. Tina was also an MVP on the Spirekassle Women's Blünderball Team. She is currently working as a freebooter in Flintlock Hills.

Tina is strong, healthy, beautiful and brave. She is compassionate and polite, with a certain naïve innocence. However, her powerful and violent Viking genes can sometimes get the better of her usual calm and gentle manner. She is not at all bad tempered and it takes quite a lot to make her snap. Tina likes to keep a nice clean house, and can be obsessive in her neatness. She is a persistent knitter, but has never quite mastered that art. Likewise she is not the best cook, but that doesn't stop her trying. Being from a wealthy family she doesn't have a very good understanding of the concept of money, and tends to spend it with both great extravagance and generosity. Why she loves Pewfell is pretty much a mystery to everyone, especially Pewfell. She does tend to be blind to other people's faults even and particularly Gnoma's - Tina would happily trust Gnoma to mind the babies.

  • Abilities:
    • Advanced sword swinging
    • Master wyvern piloting
    • Athletics
    • Organizational skills
    • Boating
  • Equipment:
    • Helm of offense (+2 head-butt attacks)
    • Leather boots of speed and leaping
    • Chainmail armor
    • Bracelets of defense
    • Band of serpents (assists in dragon/wyvern handling)
    • Sword+3

Tina also appears in a rousing adventure poster available here.

 

Tina

Gnoma Jean Gnome

A small, blue mischief-maker who continues to squat beneath Pewfell & Tina's stairs, despite Pewfell's many attempts to have her evicted.

Gnoma has tried many careers, from unemployable perpetual student, to eroric dancer,actress, superstar singing sensation and model. She is currently McLurgi's Area Manager for Soddon County. She is rude, untidy and nosey, harbours a dream of one day going in to politics. Her hobbies include knitting and karaoke, she is absolutely awful at both. Gnoma also enjoys waffles and likes to keep Pewfell's fridge full of them.

Gnoma is intelligent and well read, her favorite author is Gnome Chomsky, however this doesn't stop her believing in things like pet psychics, astrology and finding true love through the personal ads. For although her outlook is radically feminist, she is a heavy dater in constant search of the ideal boyfriend.

 

Bish

Bish Bathenwell

His Holiness the Right Divine Bishpin Bartholomew Bathenwell is hyper-zealous warrior priest on a mission to convert the world to his own bizarre, self-constructed religion. He is also one of Pewfell's oldest friends. As a young man Bish was visited by a vision of the Goddess Hornbag, a deity no-one else has ever heard of. To the rest of the world Hornbag appears to be a product of Bish's deranged mind, but his faith and it's accompanying vow of chastity remain unshakable.

Bish tends to see the world & other people in black & white terms. He is officious, domineering, single-minded and pompous, worse still he is prone to irrational outbreaks of violence & bloodthirstiness, especially against those he perceives to be enemies of good. He is quick to judge though he usually thinks the best of people or is willing to give give the unworthy the benefit of the doubt. However, since he is highly intolerant, gullible and also a very bad listener, the fact is that whichever side of the fence he comes down on, he nearly always gets it wrong.

Bish's numerous faults are, however, balanced by some extremely worth qualities. He is brave, responsible, chivalrous, honest and uncomplaining. He is loyal and cares deeply for friends – and their moral well-being, of course. He is strong and exercises regularly, his vegan diet keeps him healthy, though his cooking is all but inedible

Bish tends to be a victim of the fates, being accident prone and unlucky in that he's often at the wrong end of spells or swords, requiring urgent medical or magical attention. He has been resurrected more times than you've had hot dinners. On the other hand, he can be quite lucky at cards and dice, but of course abhors gambling for money – Matchsticks are OK though!

An orphan, Bish was raised in the castle home of Pewfell’s great granduncle Elendor III. There he was instructed in the ways of the cloth and the mysterious will of the gods by the venerable priest Hedges, brother of the world renown Arch Deacon Benson. Bish is author of the Baggist Bible, a complete guide to the tenets and mores of International Baggism. As a child Bish once saved Pewfell from drowning, an event that Pewfell (a profound hydrophobic) has probably forgotten.

In 7195 Bish founded the The Order of Divine Unity, a missionary church of Hornbag. The ODU has had it's ups and downs: from a small group of 'peace patrollers' it grew to a large cult and later for a brief time Bish even became Pope of Spirekassle. However it's numbers have now dwindled to just Bish and his one acolyte, Brother Kolin, who share a small bed-sitting room in the most run-down and dangerous part of town. Bish is not dejected and fully expects the ODU to rise to even greater glories in the future – indeed, Bish does have a knack of attracting devoted, if brainless, acolytes like Kolin who follows him around like a puppy-dog.

  • Holy symbol: the asparagus
  • Weapon of choice: Mace. Bish currently wields a mace that looks like a plunger, and can be used to unblock toilets
  • Special abilities: Prayer

Click here to read more about Bish's youth and previous adventures

The Jackal

Pedwyn, The Jackal

Pedwyn was raised in or around Pelforth, a wild and chaotic town in the north of Vordath, right in the foothills of the Scraper Mountains. He likes to claim that he got his nickname the Jackal because his mother had been eaten by a jackal and he had been raised by jackals in the wild mountainous woods of the north. His friends do not believe this, mostly because whenever he goes back to visit his 'wolf' brethren, he always takes a large bundle of dirty laundry that always comes back clean. To compensate, however, Pedwyn does display some mildly lycanthropic tendencies when the moons are full.

Like all good thieves, Pedwyn is a devious, dishonest kleptomaniac. He's also a good con-man with the gift of the gab. He's a compulsive gambler and investor, really enjoys games and sports but is very unlucky, this never seems to deter him though. He doesn't take life too seriously and likes a good laugh, and often plays practical jokes, which have a habit of backfiring on him. Pedwyn is, cunning, brave and a natural leader. Despite his thieving ways he is viewed by many to be an upstanding model citizen, if a little scruffy.

The Jackal is a free spirit, likes nothing better than to laugh at the misfortunes of others (particularly when he's caused them) and loathes only boredom. He is a jack of all trades but generally finds crime to be the most efficient way of earning a living. Pewfell is glad to call him a friend, because he certainly wouldn't want him as an enemy. Currently, for various complicated reasons, Pedwyn is serving as a sergeant in the Spirekassle City Sewer Patrol, where he must face the daily challenge of choosing between doing the right thing or taking a bribe.

Click here to read more about Pedwyn's origins and previous adventures

Fug

Fug the Barbarian

Fug is a gentle soul but his tendency towards pacifism is somewhat hindered by massively destructive fits of berserker rage that warp his body into a twisted and uncontrollable killing machine. Fug is from Formoria, a frozen wasteland at the top of the world. His tribal village was destroyed by a great ice-wyrm, and the young Fug grew up wild in the Northern Scraper Mountains. It was Pedwyn who found and befriended him, and the two became fast friends, traveling to Spirekassle together. Fug was raised as a warrior and was destined to be king of his tribe but concerns about past and future don't tend to bother him much if at all. In fact as a rule he's very content and happy with his lot.

Fug is a good-natured soul, who loves pretty flowers and animals, which may explain why he seems to like Pedwyn so much. Being rather forgetful and very much into the moment, combined with a general lack of language skills tend to make him appear to be less than intelligent. He certainly doesn't have much book-learning about him, but he knows how to survive. Fug is loyal and trusting, maybe a bit too much so. Generally has a very good temper... right up until the point he looses it!

He's easygoing and is usually quite happy to go with the flow. He can be clumsy, often because he doesn't appreciate his own super-strength and his great physical presence does tend to frighten people, which is a shame because he's usually only trying to be friendly. He's a lucky chap, and usually does well at games of chance, however, he prefers games of strategy such as: chess or backgammon, but is pretty much useless at them.

Kolin Kook

Moonie acolyte to Bish Bathenwell, currently the only member of Bish's Congregation. Kolin and Bish they live together in a small bedsit in the worst part of town - it is really just one room with a sink and a small uncomfortable bed. Bish gets the bed, Kolin sleeps curled up on the floor at his feet.

Bish tends to use the doting Kolin as a personal valet/dogsbody, to run errands etc. These usually get Kolin into all sorts of trouble. When Bish is not around Kolin will latch himself onto whoever else he can find that will tolerate his presence for more than 5 minutes. Kolin has a thing for Gnoma, who he is in love with, sometimes she reciprocates (when there's nothing better going on). Mostly he is not much good as a boyfriend though.


Kolin is naive, needy and incapable of thinking for himself, once he find's someone to follow he follows them blindly no matter how badly they treat him. He is mostly mute, but can repeat what others have told him to say. He will always do what he's told, even if he knows he shouldn't, though in such cases he may well exhibit signs of emotional turmoil.

Petronio

Petronio Politicus

Pewfell’s devious attorney is sharp as a razor. Behind his foppish exterior, this varsity man is indispensable, deadly, and completely untrustworthy.

Petronio and his wife are the only lawyers in town, thus they argue daily in court. Naturally this has put a strain on their relationship, and as a result they are currently locked in divorce proceedings, but having negotiated themselves ironclad pre-nups it is unlikely they will ever reach a settlement - in fact they are still contractually bound to sleep in the same bed.

Petronio is either called on to defend Pewfell & Co, in which case he tends to lose the case, or else he is prosecuting them, in which case he usuallly manages to win. Sometimes he has even been known to argue both for the prosecution AND the defense! Petronio is a jolly soul, and sees a clear destinction between businesss and his personal life, thus he has no trouble maintaining a chummy friendliness towards Pewfell, no matter what transpires in the courtroom.

Despite having no ethics, being easily bribed and highly crooked he sees himself as an honest and upstanding public servant.

Lillypad

Lillypad

An old college buddy of Pewfell’s from the Stonestanding School of Sorcery, Lillypad now lives in a sewer beneath Spirekassle city. Like Pewfell he failed to pass his exams, getting partially turned into a toad in his magical resistivety finals. Unlike Pewfell, however, Lillypad doesn't tend to hold a grudge and is usually able to see the bright side of any situation - coming from a wealthy family and having a trust fund probably goes a long way to help.

Lillypad now likes to enjoy fine wines and fresh flies as he concentrates on the less demanding work of being Spirekassle’s most prominent restaurant critic.

Lillypad is greedy and food obsessed and tends to turns up uninvited and will far outstay his welcome. He is in denial about his weight, but otherwise is easygoing, cheerful, chummy and optimistic

Catchphrase: "Tiddly Widdly"

Bogbrian

Bogbrian

Bogbrian the Cyclops is Landlord of the Hog's Nuts, Spirekassle’s second most dangerous pub. Cyclops are not known for their tolerance of tomfoolery and as a result Pewfell and his mates are frequently barred. His cousin Bogbill runs a nightclub on the thirteenth level of the dungeons that honeycomb the city depths.

Bogbrian is not a good barkeep, in that he never listens to his customers problems, but rather bores them with his own, droning on in his strong Bavarian accent. He is depressive and depressing, always complaining about smoothing or other.– Usually how he misses "Der old Country" and is always waxing on about how good or how terrible it was there. Some say it's just because he's lonely, but nobody much cares.

Bogbrian can be quite intolerant of non-cyclops, and usually only spends his time with other ex-pat cyclops by choice, most of whom are his cousins. The Hog's Nuts is ,however, open to all - being so dingy that it must rely on whatever trade it can get. Even the disreputable tend to avoid it!

Captain Radula

Radula is the overworked, underpaid chief of the Spirekassle City Sewer Patrol, lumbered with with what she perceives to be the worst imaginable team under her - particularly Bish who she views as a misogynistic rabble-rouser.

Radula is a "viscous molluskan" sees herself as being rather attractive and thinks the reason she can't get dates is because she is a career woman. She hates being assigned to the Sewer Patrol and thinks this posting is a result of sexual discrimination in the workplace. She has a huge complex about this probably nonexistent glass ceiling.

She has no sense of humor and has a bad temper, but she is indeed good at her job and always gets her man (or woman).

.

Cuthpert Lord Codpeace

Codpeace is one of Spirekassle’s wealthiest and most well respected businessmen. He serves as Chief Liaison Officer for the Spirekassle Union of Republican Merchants, otherwise known as S.P.U.R.M. Direct descendant of Spirekassle’s founding fathers, Cuthpert is determined to see the city grow as prosperous and cosmopolitan as any in the world.

  • Profession: CEO/Investment banker/Aristocrat
  • Abilities:
    • Coercion
    • Deal-making
    • Back-stabbing
    • Moneymaking
    • Confidence
    • Gift of the gab
    • Golf
    • Dragon handling
    • Investing
    • Fencing (with an epee!)
Fix

Druid Totalfix

Caretaker of the sacred groves and standing stones in the untamed lands around Spirekassle, Fix is an earth worshipper. Although he dislikes people as a general rule, he has been known to pop into the 'Nuts' for a, occasional brew while in town. Totalfix’s visits to Spirekassle generally involve the destruction by magical vines of some important public building. A self-sufficiency freak and luddite, Fix is at one with nature and pretty handy with his sickle and staff of living Yew.

Brother Bardy

A clerical cousin of Pewfell’s who sold his soul to serve as an acolyte in the Black Church of Baphommet, Devil Lord of the Twelve and a Half Hells. Nowadays he spends most of his time touring the monster infested towns of the Scraper Mountains as bassist in a popular punk rock band.

Theo

Theophalus Testicle

This valiant Celtic warrior is a regular at the Hog’s Nuts, Pewfell’s preferred drinking establishment. The tales of Theo’s deeds are legendary, for instance it is said that he once actually managed to walk home after drinking six pints of ‘Old Gutterbraü’, and then smoked half a pipe of the Arch Wizard of Spirekassle’s private stash before passing out.

For descriptions of some of the gods, click here